Ocarina of Time: Links Adventure
by Darkmoon5
Summary: This is based on the game Ocarina of Time. Added humor to it but it is true to the plot of the game. Chapter 12 just added.
1. The Summoning

**Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo or any of the Zelda characters. **

Anyways, I'm redoing this fanfiction. I found out that you cannot have scripts (after HOW long?). So if the other chapters are a script…that is what is going on. I'll get to them too. My fiction will still be a humor one though.

CHAPTER ONE: The Summoning

_It was dark and stormy over the castle and the presence of evil was strong.  
As the young boy walked towards the castle, the castle's drawbridge came  
down. Out came a white horse with two occupants. In front was a young girl,  
that couldn't have been older then the boy. Behind her sat an older woman  
around 40 years of age. The girl looked right into the eyes of the boy and  
threw something towards him. The horse and its occupants disappeared.  
Hearing a noise behind him, the boy turned and saw a man on a black  
stallion watching the endless fields searching for someone._

It was a beautiful day in Kokiri Forest, home of the Kokiri and their  
Guardian, the Great Deku Tree. However things were not peaceful for the Deku  
Tree, something was troubling him.

"Navi!" The Deku Tree cried out in a booming voice. "Come to me for something has been troubling me and I need your help!"

Suddenly a bright blue light flew out from a nearby tree and approached the Deku Tree. A fairy is what she was. Fairies were the guardians of the kokiri, the Children of the forest.

"What is troubling you great one?" the ball of light asked in a high-pitched voice. Her name was Navi and unlike the other fairies, she didn't have a Kokiri child to look after.

"I have an itch on my nose. I cannot get rid of it. Scratch it for me!" the tree commanded the little fairy. Grumbling the little fairy scratched the Deku's large and knobby nose. "I thank you for the assistance Navi." The Deku tree remarked appreciatively. "I have a task for you now. There is a child in the Kokiri village…the child without a fairy. Retrieve him and bring him here to me."

Navi paced the air, her tiny wings beating furiously. "Sounds familiar." She said as her face scrunched up trying to remember. "Isn't he that kid who is always getting picked on? And has been having those odd dreams lately?" she asked suddenly remembering.

"That would be him." The tree responded shaking his head causing many of his leaves to fall from his head. "Bring him to me quickly. I don't have all day."

The little fairy nodded her head and took off in the direction of the little village. Suddenly the path narrows and she finds herself surrounded by high cliffs. The forest has been deadly lately, especially in this part. Monsters have been appearing throughout this path lately. Suddenly a deku baba pops up and begins to gnash its teeth at Navi.

"OH GODDESSES!" She screamed as she swerved away from the mouth as it greeted her. "Where did that thing come from!" Navi stopped flying and landed on a nearby rock obviously shaken up. That was a close call. Only a few more inches and…the thoughts were too horrible to even think about.

After restraining herself, she took flight again and eventually arrived at a little tree house. Deciding that it would be best to investigate, Navi flew around the house and noticed some drawings at the foot of the tree. Curious, she stopped to look at them. They were pictures of dinosaurs eating the leader of the Kokiri, Mido. Navi stared at the pictures for a moment a bit disturbed. She decided that perhaps the child was just having a bad day and she flew into his tree house.

It was a nice little tree house. She wouldn't mind living in a little place like this. The only problem was the huge mess inside. The kid was a slob; there were loads of dirty clothing all over the place. She looked around some more and finally spotted someone sleeping in the nearby bed.

Seeing no other fairy around, Navi realized that she had come to the right place and approached the sleeping figure. "HEY! Wakeup!" she called out as she floated above his head.

"Just a little bit longer…" the sleeping boy mumbled as he turned over and threw the blankets over his head.

Navi shook her head in annoyance. "How can the fate of Hyrule depend on such a lazy boy?" she asked herself as she flew over to his sink. If screaming at him wouldn't wake him up then perhaps some ice water will.

"Help! I'M DROWNING!" the boy sputtered as he felt water hit his face. "SAVE ME!" he added while he twitched like a fish in his bed. He sat up quickly and looked around wildly. Noticing a fairy hovering above him, he stared up at her for a minute before asking, "Who are you?"

"I'm your new guardian fairy." Navi responded proudly.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Honestly?"

"Yes!"

"This isn't some kind of cruel mean joke?"

"NO! Now hurry up and get dressed." The fairy said exasperated. "The Great Deku Tree has summoned you."

"Me?" the nine-year-old boy asked in disbelief.

"You're the only one I'm talking to in here bub. Now get dressed and be quick. The tree doesn't have all day."

The boy jumped out of bed and started to pull his clothes on. He was excited about being able to meet the Deku Tree. He only summoned very important people. After dressing, he walked out of his tree house and began to climb down the ladder. "LINK!" a voice suddenly called out. On the ground below stood a kokiri girl staring up at Link with a huge smile on her face. "Is that a fairy?" she asked nodding her head at Navi.

"Of course it is. And guess what! The Deku Tree has summoned me!" Link responded importantly.

"That's terrific." Saria cried out as she jumped up and clapped her hands excitedly. "Did he say what he wants?"

"Not yet." Responded Link as his smile grew wider. "And I can't wait to tell Mido so I can laugh in his face."

"He's guarding the path to the Deku Tree." remarked Saria as she looked off in the direction where the path began. "I wish you luck." She said turning her attention back to Link.

"Thanks Saria."

Link turned around and began to head for the path. A few seconds later, he ran into Mido who was guarding the path.

Mido stared Link down and sniffed arrogantly at him. "Hey, Mr. No-Fairy, where do you think you're going?"

"The Deku tree has summoned me." Replied Link as he smirked at Mido, who gave him a surprised look. "Oh! And have you met my fairy?"

"You? Why would he summon you?" came the weak reply.

"Because I'm obviously important. Now move out of my way because I force you out of it." Link replied rudely. Mido's reaction pleased him and he felt more important then ever.

"Hold up!" Mido shot back as he continued to block the path. "I can't let you go anywhere until you at least have a sword and shield. The forest has been getting dangerous lately."

Link's eyes narrowed as he continued to stare at Mido. Why would he care if Link went into a dangerous area unarmed? But even so, he was right. He needed a weapon of some sort. And a shield.

"I'll be back." Link turned around and walked away. His first stop was the Kokiri shop and there they sold shields.

"I'm glad I have some money." Said Link as he tossed a large pouch from one hand to the other.

"That's a lot of rupees you got there." Navi's eyes shone as she watched Link take some rupees out to pay for his shield. "Where did you get it all?"

"I found it." He lied.

"There's a little hole on the side of the cliff right there. Why don't we see where it goes?" Navi asked.

"I'm claustrophobic though." The future hero cried out turning pale.

"Just get in there and see where it goes. Maybe it's another passageway to the Deku tree."

Grumbling Link got onto his knees and began to crawl through the tight hole. Every now and then you could hear some grunts and swearing. Finally he made it out to the other side.

"It looks like a maze in here." Link said as he stood up and dusted himself off.

"We should be careful too, something may popup on us around the corner.

"Don't be so negative nothing is here."

"LOOK OUT FOR THAT ROLLING ROCK." Screamed the blue ball.

"Navi, how could a rock be rol…OOF."

Link never got to finish his sentence because at that very moment a rock came rolling by…and ran him over. Just like Navi predicted.

"You should've listened to me." Said the little fairy as she shook her head. "I'm your guardian fairy, I'm not supposed to let anything bad happen to you.

Link crawls to his feet and gives the fairy an evil look. Suddenly he pulls a notebook out of nowhere and begins to write in it furiously. "I'm never going to forget this incident as long as I have this notebook on me."

"YOU'RE WRITING IT DOWN." Screamed Navi as she vibrated with anger and disbelief. This kid was a nut.

"Yes, that way I'm not responsible for my own stupid actions."

"Oh Din, what have I down to deserve this." Navi prayed to the three goddesses.

"Alright, I'm done. Off we go."

Navi sighed and flew after Link as he began to walk around the small maze. In fact, you couldn't even consider this a maze. It was so small; it would be impossible to get lost. However…hours later…

"Oh finally!" Navi gasped as the two of them finally noticed the treasure chest sitting in a small area that they must have passed five times.

"I wonder what is in there." pondered Link raising his eyebrow.

"Why don't you check?"

"Would it be okay?" the kokiri asked with a concerned look on his face.

"I'm pretty sure it would be Link."

"Truly?"

"JUST OPEN THE DAMN THING!"

Startled, Link jumped a foot up into the air at the sound of Navi's loud and commanding voice. He sheepishly and obediently made his way to the chest and opened it up.

"Just an old sword…with a note."

"What's the note say?"

"Something about the Kokiri sword" replied Link as he lifted the small sword from its resting place.

"We have to head back and quickly. We already wasted five hours trying to find our way around this cursed maze." Navi said as she looked around for the exit.

Link nodded and put the sword in the sheath that had miraculously come up out of nowhere. After wandering around the maze for another five hours, the two of them find their way out and head back to where Mido was last seen.

"Here's the shield and here's the sword. Now move the hell out of my way!" snapped Link as he tried to shove his way past Mido.

Mido stared at the sword in surprise. "Is that…the Kokiri sword?" He asked in disbelief. Nobody alive today has ever seen it. It was only supposed to be a legend.

"Meh…this old thing?" questioned Link as he carelessly swung it around. "Now move out of my way…the Deku Tree awaits!"

Mido glared at Link and moved off to the side but not before mumbling, "How did you get to be the favorite of both Saria and the Deku tree."

Link turns around to face Mido, his eyes huge and cute. "It's because I'm so darn cute." He said in a baby voice.

Mido's lip curled, forming a sneer. "You'll never be one of us." He hissed angrily.

As they walked along the forest, Navi continued to look back towards where Mido was standing. Finally she turned to Link and asked, "Why does he hate you so much?"

"He basically just told us why. Saria likes me and not him. He's a very jealous person." Navi slightly nodded and flew up ahead on the path. "We're here!" she announced to the Deku tree that had fallen asleep.

"Eh? What's that?" the Deku tree jumped slightly startled by Navi's voice. "Oh…it's you. It's about time. I told you to hurry and you have been missing for like…ten hours."

"I apologize. We got lost in a maze." Grunted Navi.

"I see…" he replied unconvinced. Looking around, the tree finally noticed Link standing before him with a look of amazement on his face. "Hello Link. I understand that you have been having nightmares lately."

Link's eyes widened as he took a step back in shock. "How did you know this?"

"I know these things. Your dream is predicting something that will very soon happen while you are on your quest." Chuckled the guardian.

"Quest?" Link looked more confused then ever. He wasn't told anything about a quest.

"There is an evil spreading throughout the land…slowly. But as each day goes by, it spreads faster. You are to stop this evil from spreading." Came the dreaded reply.

"When and where do I start?" Link asked, his voice starting to slightly shake.

"You will start here and now." The deku tree paused for a moment before continuing. "An evil man of the desert put a curse upon me. If the curse isn't broken soon, I will die."

"What is the curse?"

"You'll find out once you get inside."

"Why can't you tell us now?" Link growled. At the same time, he was beginning to worry. What did the Great Deku Tree mean exactly by _'once you get inside?_'

"It's a long story." The tree sighed. "I will tell you after it is broken. I will also supply you with more information on your upcoming journey." The deku tree then turned his attention to Navi. "Navi, you will help Link on his quest. Now enter…" he ended as he slowly opened his mouth.

"Ewwww…you expect for me to go in there?" Link's nose scrunched up and his face looked almost green.

"How else are we supposed to break the curse? Now move along!" Navi said as she pushed (or rather bumped several times) Link into the opened mouth of the Great Deku Tree.


	2. The Deku Tree

Chapter 2: The Deku Tree  
  
Link: Wow.the inside of the tree looks different then I expected.  
  
Navi: In what way?  
  
Link: Well.I wasn't expecting there to be doors in here.  
  
Navi: I see. Well we better get started. Lets climb that ladder nearby.  
  
Link: It looks like it is decaying.  
  
Navi: Eh? Oh you'll be fine.  
  
Link: What if it breaks while I'm climbing it.  
  
Navi: Then you will fall.  
  
Link: But I don't wanna fall.  
  
Navi: JUST GO!!  
  
Link: Going!! (Starts to climb up the ladder) It feels like it is going to fall apart any second. I hope I don't'.  
  
Link: FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL!!  
  
Link: Ouch. That hurt. (Gets out his notebook and starts to write in it while shaking his head). That's TWO things you made me do that was stupid Navi.  
  
Navi: Oh Link.  
  
(After walking around for a few minutes, Link and Navi stumble upon some vines that Link can climb to get to the top of the Deku Tree. After getting to the top, they come upon a door)  
  
Link: Hmm.should we go through the door?  
  
Navi: That would probably be wise.  
  
Link: Shouldn't we know what is behind there first?  
  
Navi: That's why we have to open the door and go in.that way we can check it out.  
  
Link: That's a great idea Navi!! (opens the door) Nothing really in here except for a Deku Scrub.  
  
Navi: Watch out.they throw deku nuts.  
  
Link: Awww.what a cute little guy. (tries to pet it).  
  
Navi: Link.I wouldn't do that if I were you.  
  
Link: And why not? (Gets hit by a deku nut) OUCH! That hurt. (Starts to cry).  
  
Navi: Stop crying Link. You're supposed to be a hero not a crybaby.  
  
Link: (sniffles) But that hurt.(picks up the deku nut and throws it at the deku scrub).  
  
Deku Scrub: (gives out a cry of pain and runs off)  
  
Navi: See.was that so hard?  
  
Link: (sniffles and shakes his head).  
  
(The two of them leave the room and continue on through the Deku Tree. A few hours later they stumble upon a giant treasure chest).  
  
Navi: What is this.  
  
Link: It's a treasure chest.  
  
Navi: I know Link.  
  
Link: Then why did you ask?  
  
Navi: Because.nevermind. Just open the damn chest and see what is inside.  
  
Link: (opens the chest) ooohh.It's a slingshot.  
  
Navi: A SLINGSHOT?! We traveled all that way for a SLINGSHOT?  
  
Link: Why not? It's very cool. (Shoots a deku nut at Navi).  
  
Navi: HEY! Watch it! You're going to injure somebody with that.  
  
Link: Lets go test it out on some bad guys.  
  
(Link and Navi find their way back to the main room and encounters aGold Sculltula)  
  
Navi: SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT!  
  
Link: (shoots the Skulltula and watches as it vanishes leaving a gold mask behind). Wow! A gold skulltula mask! I heard that you can make some money off of these!  
  
Navi: Oh really now. It's too bad that you'll be too busy saving Hyrule and won't have time to sell it.  
  
Link: What?  
  
Navi: Nothing. Um Link. There is a giant spider web on the floor of this room.  
  
Link: So I see.  
  
Navi: Well.looking down beyond the spider web I can see a room full of water.I think we need to go down there.  
  
Link: How are we going to do that? The web looks incredibly thick.  
  
Navi: Well.you can probably break through it if you jump on it.  
  
Link: Okay. Lets go down there and jump on it until it breaks.  
  
Navi: Link.I don't think you understand. You have to jump on it from a great height.  
  
Link: ...  
  
Navi: But it will be like a trampoline. You like trampolines don't you?  
  
Link: What's a trampoline?  
  
Navi: It's a thing you bounce on. It's quite fun.  
  
Link: Navi, when I jump on the spider web it will break and I will fall down the hole.  
  
Navi: Errr.yes. That is a problem. But we'll have to do it anyways. (Pushes Link off the ledge).  
  
Link: AAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!  
  
(Link makes it manages to break through the spider web and make it down to the bottom of the tree.in the water.unconscious. Navi on the other hand, is just dandy and didn't get hurt).  
  
Navi: Are you okay Link?  
  
Link: (is face down in the water)  
  
Navi: Errr.Link?  
  
Link: (gurgles).  
  
Navi: LINK! (gets on Link's back and starts jumping on him trying to revive him). LINK WAKEUP!!!  
  
Link: (gurgles).  
  
Navi: Grrr..(screaming in his ear) HEY! WAKEUP!!  
  
Link: (lifts his head and gasps for air).  
  
Navi: Link! You're alive! Are you okay?  
  
Link: I think so. Lets never do that again.  
  
Navi: Lets go sit by that unlit torch so you can rest.  
  
(Navi and Link swim for the nearest dry spot and rest for a few minutes and continue their journey through the tree. Later they approach a large block).  
  
Link: I wonder what this is for.  
  
Navi: Well push it. It's in our way.  
  
Link:Why? How do we know that this isn't just a dead end?  
  
Navi: Well.in order to find out.you need to push it.  
  
Link: FINE!  
  
(Link begins to push the block and a few minutes later, he finds himself in the room where he almost drowned).  
  
Link: How did we get back here???  
  
Navi: Well, we must be going in circles.  
  
Link: (groans) I can't believe this.  
  
Navi: Link. There is a ledge on the other side of the room. It has a door that we have not been through yet.  
  
Link: The ledge is too high. We'll never be able to climb it.  
  
Navi: Push the block into the water and use it to get up onto the ledge.  
  
Link: But I'm sooooo tired. I just want to go to sleep.  
  
Navi: Who cares! Just push the damn block into the water! The sooner we get done.the sooner you can go to sleep.  
  
Link: (sighs loudly and pushes the block into the water). THERE! I did what you told me? Happy?  
  
Navi: Of course I'm happy. My brilliant plan worked.  
  
Link: Oh shutup.  
  
(The two of them go through the door and a few minutes later find themselves near the bosses groom).  
  
Navi: I feel something. There is something big here.  
  
Link: It's probably a mosquito.  
  
Navi: That's not what I mean. I can sense something nearby. Something evil. It may be the source of the curse.  
  
Link: I see.where shall we go?  
  
Navi: (points to a door nearby).  
  
(Link and Navi go through the only door in the room and find themselves at the root of the tree. It is a large area filled with darkness and something else).  
  
Navi: The feeling is getting stronger. Whatever is causing it, is close by.  
  
Link: (face goes pale)  
  
Navi: What's wrong Link?  
  
Link: N..n.n  
  
Navi: What's wrong? Are you ill?  
  
Link: T..turn.around.  
  
Navi: (turns around) Eek!  
  
(Queen Gohma is standing behind them. She is a huge spider-like creature with one eye and she looked pissed).  
  
Link: Spiders scare me Navi!!  
  
Navi: Just shutup and do something.  
  
Link: LIKE WHAT!!  
  
Gohma: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAR!!  
  
Navi: Erm.those Deku Scrubs we ran into a few minutes ago said to hit her eye when it turns red.  
  
Link: WITH WHAT?! I CAN'T SLASH HER EYE WITH MY SWORD BECAUSE I CAN'T REACH IT!  
  
Navi: THE SLINGSHOT! USE THE SLINGSHOT!  
  
(by this time, Gohma had retreated to the ceiling and started to lay her eggs. The eggs landed directly in front of Link, almost crushing him).  
  
Link: Oooh.I can go for some scrambled eggs right about now.  
  
Navi: How can you be thinking about eating at a time like this?!  
  
Link: I haven't eaten anything in a while. (Pouts).  
  
(The eggs begin to hatch and smaller versions of Gohma pops out. They are hungry and want to have Link and Navi for dinner).  
  
Navi: I think we're about to become THEIR dinner. Slash them with your sword!  
  
Link: (starts hacking like a psychopath at the baby gohmas).  
  
Navi: Good job Link. You killed them all. Now just get rid of their mother.  
  
Gohma: (jumps down in front of Link). ROOOOOOOOAAAAAR!!!  
  
Navi: Her eye is red!! Use the slingshot to fire your Deku Nuts at it!!!  
  
Link: (strikes Gohma's eye with a deku nut and hits her eye with the sword after she falls to the ground.stunned).  
  
Navi: You're doing great Link! Keep up the good work!!  
  
Gohma: (jumps back up and retreats to the ceiling).  
  
Navi: I think she is about to lay more eggs.  
  
Link: (strikes Gohma's now red eye with a nut and watches her fall to the ground). HAH! I think I'm getting the hang of this! (Runs over and strikes her eye with the sword several times).  
  
Gohma: (cries out in pain and falls to the ground.defeated).  
  
Navi: Link! You did it! You beat Gohma!!  
  
Link: (proudly) Yup! Lets get out of here. (Starts heading for the door).  
  
Navi: Um Link. Why don't we just exit through there? (Points to a warp hole that had just opened up nearby),  
  
Link: Oh.(walks into the warp hole and vanishes) 


	3. Link is given a task

CHAPTER 3: Link is given a task  
  
(After walking into the warp hole, Navi and Link were quickly transported back to the outside of the Deku Tree).  
  
Deku Tree: Thank you Link. You have done what I have called you for. Even though it took you forever.  
  
Link: Hey, you should appreciate that I saved your ass.  
  
DT: Errr.yes about that. I was doomed before you even started.  
  
Link: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!  
  
DT: To be honest with you, I probably wouldn't be dying if you came RIGHT when I summoned you. Not wait for ten hours THEN come and see me.  
  
Navi: Then why did you send us to stop the curse if you were going to die anyways?  
  
DT: Well, I was a little mad that you made me wait so I thought I'd teach you a lesson. Plus, it made the pain much less.  
  
Link: It wasn't my fault. I got lost in the maze while looking for the sword.  
  
Navi: You can't even call that a maze.  
  
Link: I didn't hear you offer any advice.  
  
DT: Stop arguing. Link, I need to talk to you about your journey. As I said before, a wicked man of the desert put the curse upon me. He was after the Kokiri Emerald and got mad when I refused to give it to him.  
  
Link: He wanted a stone? (Rolls eyes)  
  
DT: This stone holds a power. With it you can obtain the Triforce but you must have the other two stones to do so as well. This man is after all three.  
  
Link: What is the Triforce?  
  
DT: The Triforce is the masterpiece of the three goddesses. It is split into three parts; power, courage, and wisdom. Anyone who gains control of the Triforce will have great power.  
  
Navi: And what does this have to do with Link?  
  
DT: You need to retrieve the three stones before the man of the desert does.  
  
Navi: Where can he find the stones?  
  
DT: I will give him one of them since he earned it but the other two he will need to get elsewhere.  
  
Navi: Where can he find them?  
  
DT: That I cannot tell you. In order to find out he will need to leave Kokiri forest. After he leaves he will run into someone who will be able to help him out. (looks at Link) Do you understand what I am saying?  
  
Link: (snores)  
  
Navi: Oh Din. He fell asleep.  
  
DT: Oh dear. I don't feel like explaining everything again.  
  
Navi: I guess I can do it while he is departing from the forest.  
  
DT: Navi, I want you to help Link out on his quest. Din knows that he will need all the help he can get. He isn't the brightest crayon in the box.  
  
Navi: (sighs) Alright then. LINK WAKEUP!  
  
Link: (snorts) Eh?  
  
DT: My end draws near. I can feel it. Take the Spritual stone Link.  
  
Link: Stone?  
  
DT: Just take it. I do not have time to explain it.  
  
(The sky opens up and a spiritual stone drops down in front of Link).  
  
DT: Take it. Navi will explain everything to you.  
  
Navi: (mumbles) Yea, Lucky me.  
  
DT: Eh? What was that Navi?  
  
Navi: Errr, nothing.  
  
DT: Begin.your journey.Link.Hyrule is.depending on.you.. (Dies)  
  
Link: (drops to knees) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Navi: (quietly) Come on Link. Lets go. 


	4. Off to Hyrule Castle we go

Chapter 4: To Hyrule Castle we go!  
  
(Link and Navi just left the Deku Tree and are heading back to the forest).  
  
Navi: It's too bad about the Deku Tree. Especially at a time like this.  
  
Link: What do you mean?  
  
Navi: Well.the Deku Tree protects the forest and its children from evil. Since so much is happening right now then the forest is in great danger.  
  
Link: So.how long do you think this will take? My favorite tv show is coming on tonight.  
  
Navi: (stares in disbelief) Link.this could take days.  
  
Link: WHAT?! How come I wasn't informed?  
  
Navi: You should've known. It's not going to take 1 day to stop an evil man. It could take years.  
  
Link: YEARS?!  
  
Navi: Errr yea. I doubt it will take that long. But expect it to take several months at least.  
  
Link: Maybe I can get Saria to record it for me.  
  
(The two of them finally reach the forest and notice that Mido is blocking their way).  
  
Link: Move it Mido. I have some important things to do.  
  
Mido:What did the Deku Tree want with you?.  
  
Link: Nothing that concerns you.  
  
Mido: Well I guess I'll have to find out then. (starts to walk towards the meadow).  
  
Link: Um.it's too late for that.  
  
Mido: What is that supposed to mean?  
  
Link: Errr.  
  
Mido: (eyes widen) You killed him! You killed the guardian of the forest! How could you?!  
  
Link: It wasn't my fault! He was done for anyways.  
  
Mido: I'm sure! (turns around and walks away).  
  
Link: (mumbling) Great.the whole forest is going to know now.  
  
Navi: Probably.but don't worry Link. We're about to leave anyways.  
  
Link: You know what I just remembered!  
  
Navi: What?  
  
Link: I can't leave the forest!  
  
Navi: Link.you can record your stupid show.  
  
Link: No.it isn't that. I'll DIE! If any Kokiri leave the forest then they will die.  
  
Navi: I'm sure the Deku Tree isn't sending you out of the forest just so you can drop dead..  
  
Link: I'm sure he wants to get back at me for being late.  
  
Navi: The Deku tree isn't THAT cold blooded.  
  
Link: Alright.I'll try to leave this forest without dropping dead.  
  
Navi: Good boy. Lets go.  
  
(Walk across the forest to a pathway that leads to Hyrule Field and they run into Saria).  
  
Saria: Oh.you're leaving.  
  
Link: Yes.I must.. I have to save the land of Hyrule from the man of the desert.  
  
Saria: I wish you luck.  
  
Link: Thank you Saria.  
  
Saria: Link.I want you to have something. Something to remember me by. (Hands Link her Ocarina).  
  
Link: Your ocarina?  
  
Saria: Yes.whenever you play it, please think of me.  
  
Link: I will.  
  
Saria: Make sure you come and visit.  
  
Link. I will.Saria?  
  
Saria: Yes Link?  
  
Link: Will you.uh?  
  
Saria? What?  
  
Link: Record "Skippy the magic train" for me?  
  
Saria: Um.sure Link.  
  
Link: Thank Saria. Bye now.  
  
Saria: Bye Link.  
  
Navi: (sarcastically) What a sweet and touching good bye.  
  
Link: Wasn't it?  
  
Navi: (rolls eyes) Now once we get to Hyule Field we'll need to decide what direction to go in.  
  
Link: What if we go in the wrong direction?  
  
Navi: Well.then we'll wander the field for days until we die of hunger or exhaustion.  
  
Link: I think I see the field ahead.  
  
Navi: Yea, me too. Well lets get going.  
  
Link: Um.do we even know what we are doing? I don't have a clue where we are supposed to go.  
  
Navi: The Deku Tree said something about someone helping us out.  
  
A Voice: That he did.  
  
Link: What was that??  
  
Voice: Look up here.in the tree you are standing next to.  
  
Link: (looks up) Awww.look at the birdie.  
  
(Above Link and Navi sits an owl by the name of Kaepora Gaebora.)  
  
KG: I am Kaepora Gaebora. I will be helping you on this quest. You need to visit Zelda, the princess of Destiny. She will be able to help you out.  
  
Link: And where can we find this Zelda?  
  
KG: At Hyrule Castle. You can see it from here. But make sure you hurry, for they close their gates at dusk.  
  
Navi: Well.we better get camp setup because there is no way in hell we are going to get there before dusk hits.  
  
KG: Err yes. Anyways.I will be following you around during most of your journey.to make sure you don't screw things up.  
  
Navi: Hey.that's what I'm here for.  
  
KG: I am leaving now. I'll see you both again later.heheheh.(flies off).  
  
Link: What a creepy guy.  
  
Navi: No kidding. (looks at watch). Hey.we better get going. We only have an hour until sunset.  
  
Link: But I'm so tired Navi.  
  
Navi: You can sleep when we get there. Now come on.  
  
(The two of them start off towards the castle and make it onto the bridge just when the sun is setting).  
  
Link: Wow.we made it.  
  
Navi: Surprise surprise.  
  
Link: Shall we go inside?  
  
Navi: That's what we came here for.  
  
(The drawbridge slowly starts to close.while Link is still standing on it).  
  
Navi: You DUMBASS, hurry up and get inside! The bridge is starting to go up.  
  
Link: Hurrying!! (slides down the bridge and into the market place). Ouch.my butt.  
  
Navi: Do you think it's too late to visit Zelda?  
  
Link: Probably.lets find a hotel to stay at.  
  
Navi: Where are we going to find a hotel in a market place?!  
  
Link: Right there. (points to a building with bright neon letters that say "Hotel").  
  
Navi: ...oh  
  
Link: See? I'm not THAT stupid.  
  
Navi: You just got lucky. Do you have enough money?  
  
Link: For what?  
  
Navi: A room!  
  
Link: .. 


	5. The Meeting of Zelda

Chapter 5: The Meeting of Zelda  
  
(It is the next morning. We turn to our heroes and find that they are sleeping in some grass at the center of the market place).  
  
Navi: (wakes up) Egh.what a horrible night. I barely got any sleep last night.  
  
Link: Really? I slept great last night.  
  
Navi: I would've slept better if we had enough money for a hotel room.  
  
Link: tsk tsk.Navi.this is supposed to be an adventure.we're supposed to be sleeping on the ground.  
  
Navi: Whatever. What are we going to do about breakfast?  
  
Link: I suppose that we can buy something. (gets out a large pouch filled with rupees.  
  
Navi: LINK! Where did you get all of that money?  
  
Link: I brought it from home.  
  
Navi: You mean.. you had the money the ENTIRE time?!  
  
Link: Err.yea. Why?  
  
Navi: WE COULD'VE STAYED IN A HOTEL YOU IDIOT!!!  
  
Link: Really? I forgot that I had this.until we went to bed last night.  
  
Navi: .  
  
Link: I guess we'd better get started for the castle.  
  
Navi: Good idea. Do you think we can get in?  
  
Link: Most likely. I mean.if we couldn't, the Deku Tree wouldn't have sent us.  
  
Navi: I think I see the path to the castle.  
  
(Navi and Link both start walking down the road that leads to the castle gates and run into a red haired girl).  
  
Link: Wow.who are you?  
  
Girl: My name is Malon. I'm looking for my father. He came here to deliver some milk tot the castle yesterday and he hasn't returned. He probably fell asleep somewhere.  
  
Link: I'm going to the castle right now. I can see if I run into him.  
  
Malon: Oh would you?! I'll give you this egg to help you out.  
  
Link: Oh.an egg. What a good idea!  
  
Malon: Of course! Now go find my dad.and Link?  
  
Link: Yes Malon?  
  
Malon: I'll need my cucco back after it hatches from its egg.  
  
Link: Okay. When shall I give it to you?  
  
Malon: Come done to Lon Lon Ranch sometime. It's not far from the castle.  
  
Link: Alright.I must be going now. Bye.  
  
(Link and Navi start heading towards the gate that blocks the castle's entrance when they heard a familiar voice).  
  
Voice: I see you finally made it to the castle.  
  
Link: That voice.it sounds so familiar.  
  
Navi: Link.don't look up.  
  
Link: (looks up) AAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! It's Kaepora Gaebora!!  
  
KG: That's right! I am stalking you Link. I am watching your every move!  
  
Link: (Is shaking).  
  
KG: Right now you are at the gates of Hyrule castle.  
  
Navi: Yea.we kind've guessed that.  
  
KG: But.unfortunately you have to sneak in.  
  
Link: Really now?  
  
KG: Yes.but you should be able to do that. You're a very smart kid.  
  
Navi: (snickers)  
  
KG: Make sure the guards don't catch you.  
  
Link: Are you done talking to us yet?  
  
KG: Do you want me to repeat what I said?  
  
Link and Navi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  
  
KG: Okay then. I'll be seeing you two later. BWAHAHAHAHA!!! (flies off)  
  
Navi: Alright.lets get this over with.  
  
Link: I saw some vines near Malon. We can climb up them and sneak onto the castle grounds.  
  
(Link and Navi find the vines and climb up them. The manage to sneak up to the castle where they find a man sleeping on the ground).  
  
Link: Who is this?  
  
Navi: Must be Malon's father.  
  
Link: Hey mister! Wakeup!! (kicks the man).  
  
Man: (snores)  
  
Navi: What a heavy sleeper.  
  
Link: (kicks him again) Why won't he wake up?  
  
Navi: Use the egg Malon gave you.  
  
Link: Pft.right Navi.how is an egg going to help? (feels a slight movement in his pocket).  
  
Navi: Something is moving in your pocket.  
  
Link: I know.It's.it's the chicken.  
  
Navi: Cucco.  
  
Link: Whatever. It hatched!!  
  
Navi: Great! Now wake him up with it!  
  
Link: How?  
  
(The Cucco lets out a loud crow and the man awakes with a start).  
  
Man: What in tarnation!  
  
Link: Errr.Hello sir.  
  
Man: Hello Lad.why did you so rudely wake me up from a peaceful sleep.  
  
Link: Um.do you have a daughter named Malon?  
  
Man: Uh oh.I completely forgot about her. She is going to be upset with me!! (runs off screaming).  
  
Navi: Interesting.shall we continue?  
  
Link: It looks like we are at a dead end Navi. There is nowhere to go.  
  
Navi: There's a hole in that waterfall in front of you.  
  
(Sure enough, there is a small waterfall on the side of the castle with a small hole in the stone.small enough for a child to go through it).  
  
Link: I can't go in there! Tight spaces make me queasy!  
  
Navi: yea yea.just get your butt in there. (Gives link a small push).  
  
Link: (squeezes into the hole and eventually makes it out) Okay.we made it Navi. Now where do we go?  
  
Navi: How should I know? I'm only guessing.  
  
Link: WHAT?!  
  
Navi: Just go straight into the courtyard and try not to get caught by the guards.  
  
(Link and Navi eventually makes it through most of the courtyard and only have a few more guards to sneak past by).  
  
Navi: Listen Link.there are two ways to get passed them. There is the short way and the long way. I advise you to go the long way because you most likely won't get caught.  
  
Link: Navi.I'm not wasting my time. I'm going the short way. (heads off).  
  
Navi: (whispering) LINK! NO! The guards will see you.they are right there!  
  
(Link unfortunately ignores Navi and a guard nearby spots him trying to sneak by).  
  
Guard: HEY YOU! STOP!  
  
Navi: Oh shit! Run!  
  
Link: (begins to run)  
  
Guard: Awww kid don't make my job harder then it is! (Chases after Link).  
  
Link: What are we going to do Navi?  
  
Navi: If you had listened to me, we wouldn't be in this predicament!  
  
Link: Maybe we can hide. We are coming up to a garden. There is bound to be a hiding place in here somewhere.  
  
Navi: Quick! Jump into the water!  
  
Link: (jumps into a small moat nearby and ducks underwater).  
  
Guard: Dammit! I lost him. Oh well.what my superiors don't know won't hurt 'em. (Walks away whistling innocently).  
  
Navi: Whew.that was a close one.  
  
Link: Hey.who's that over there? (points to a girl standing nearby).  
  
Navi: I don't know. But she hasn't seen us yet.  
  
Link: Shall we ask her where the princess is?  
  
Navi: That's a good idea.  
  
(Navi and Link approach the girl who is too busy looking in a window to notice them).  
  
Navi: Excuse me.  
  
Girl: (turns around) EEK! HOW DARE YOU SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT!!  
  
Link: Errr sorry. We're just looking for somebody.  
  
Girl: Who are you looking for and how did you get passed my guards?  
  
Link: YOUR guards?  
  
Girl: Yes MY guards. I happen to be Princess Zelda. They were guarding me.  
  
Link: While you play Peeping Tom?  
  
Zelda: I was NOT playing peeping tom. I was looking at someone. Now.why are you here?  
  
Link: We needed to talk to you about something. The Deku Tree sent me here.  
  
Zelda: You're from the forest??  
  
Link: Yea.I'm a kokiri.  
  
Zelda: I thought the Kokiri dies if they leave the forest.  
  
Link: That obviously ain't true now is it?  
  
Zelda: Hmm. You don't happen to have the Kokiri Emerald by any chance?  
  
Link: You mean this pretty shiny green rock. (Shows Zelda the kokiri emerald).  
  
Zelda: YES! That's exactly what I'm talking about. Perhaps you can help me.  
  
Navi: That's why we're here.  
  
Zelda: I have been having these weird dreams at night. I think it's a prophecy.  
  
Link: Weird dreams will happen if you eat old cheese.  
  
Zelda: I have been having these dreams for the last several weeks every night. It involves a man who wants to Ocarina of Time to get into the Sacred Realm.  
  
Link: What's the Sacred Realm?  
  
Zelda: The Sacred Realm is a sacred place. It holds the triforce. The Ocarina of Time is the key to get there.  
  
Navi: I see.  
  
Zelda: In my dream, a man was after the Ocarina. The man's face was shadowed and I could not make out what he looked like.  
  
Navi: Well THAT helps us out a lot.  
  
Zelda: I do believe that it represents a man named Ganondorf. He is actually at the castle right now. I was watching him through this window.  
  
Link: (peeks in the window and sees a man bowing) Why is his face green?  
  
Navi: (shrugs) Why do you think the man in your dream is Ganondorf?  
  
Zelda: I said I didn't see his FACE. I did see his clothes and he's the only person in Hyrule who would actually dress like that.  
  
Navi: How shall we help?  
  
Zelda: Well.I want you to collect the other two spiritual stones. They are another step in opening the door of time and getting to the sacred realm.  
  
Link: Door of time?  
  
Zelda: I'll explain it when you bring the other two stones back. OH! I almost forgot. (gets out a pad of paper and starts writing something on it) you will be needing this note that I am writing.  
  
Link: What for?  
  
Zelda: I can't tell you.  
  
Link: Why not?  
  
Zelda: Because I'm supposed to make life for you hell. You have to figure everything out on your own even though I can tell you everything.  
  
Navi: (mumbles) Lazy ass.  
  
Zelda: Now get the hell out of here before I call my guards. My attendant will escort you out.  
  
(Near the entrance of the courtyard, a muscular woman named Impa is waiting for Link and Navi)  
  
Impa: I guess I better escort you out of here.  
  
Link: (winks at Impa) I don't mind.  
  
Navi: (smacks Link's head) LINK!!  
  
Impa: Before we leave, I need to teach you a song. It will help you on your quest.  
  
Link: FINALLY! It's about time I put this damn instrument to use.  
  
Impa: Errr yea. The Royal Family has passed down this song for years. (Plays the song on a whistle) Now play it on your ocarina.  
  
Link: (plays the song but does a bad job of it) Wow! I am the master of the Ocarina!  
  
Impa: Err yea. Lets just get out of here.  
  
(A minute later, we see the trio standing outside of Hyrule castle).  
  
Impa: Do you see the stairs leading up the mountain straight ahead? That's kakariko village. That's where I was born and raised. That's where your adventures will begin Link.  
  
Link: That's cool. Are you going to escort us there? (winks)  
  
Impa: Ummm No.just go. (throws down a pebble sized ball and vanishes)  
  
Navi: Okay.this is where our adventure starts Link. Lets go. 


	6. LonLon Ranch and Saria's Song

Chapter 6: Lon Lon Ranch and Saria's Song  
  
(Before heading off for Kakariko Village. Link and Navi decide to stop by Lon Lon Ranch to pay Malon a visit and to see if her father returned home).  
  
Link: I can't wait till we see Malon. She was kind've cute.  
  
Navi: Yea. Whatever. We need to give her the cucco back while we are visiting her. Well here we are.  
  
Link: Pretty nice place. Oooh. Look at the horsies!  
  
Navi: Uh yea. Great. Lets find Malon and get out of here.  
  
Link: What's that noise?  
  
Navi: I don't hear anything.  
  
Link: Shhh. (in the distance a sound of somebody singing is heard).  
  
Navi: It's coming from that fenced up area. Lets go check it out.  
  
Link: (spots the singer) Hey. It's Malon! Hi Malon!! (waves)  
  
Malon: (smiles and waves back) Hello fairy boy. I want to thank you for finding my father.  
  
Link: (blushes) It was no problem. None at all.  
  
Malon: You had no problems waking him up?  
  
Link: Nope. The cucco woke him up pretty quickly.  
  
Malon: Oh! Do you have my cucco? I need it back.  
  
Link: . . . .  
  
Malon: Um Link? I need my cucco.  
  
Link: Cucco? What cucco?  
  
Malon: Link? What happened to my cucco?  
  
Link: (burps)  
  
Malon: (eyes widen) You didn't!!  
  
Link: (burps again)  
  
Navi: (groans) He did!  
  
Malon: (grabs Link by the shoulders and begins to shake him) HOW COULD YOU EAT MY CUCCO?!?!? THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR A FAMILY FRIEND!!!!  
  
Link: It was just a cucco. You can always get another one. (falls down on his butt).  
  
Malon: (eye begins to twitch) Another one huh? You're going to regret saying that.(grabs a bat and is about to hit Link in the head).  
  
Link: My Malon. You have such beautiful eyes.  
  
Navi: Link. That isn't going to work. You're screwed. Get used to it.  
  
Malon: (faces brightens up and she lowers the bat) Really? Nobody has noticed before.  
  
Link: I don't know how. Your eyes are like the color of the sea.  
  
Malon: (giggles) You sure have a way with words.  
  
Navi: (disturbed) Um. Yes. You aren't mad at Link about the Cucco anymore?  
  
Malon: Cucco? Oh yes. The cucco. I couldn't be mad at such a sweet boy.  
  
Link: (blushes)  
  
Malon: I want you to meet my horse Link. Her name is Epona.  
  
(The trio begins to walk towards a young brown horse with white patches).  
  
Epona: neigh.  
  
Malon: This is Epona.  
  
Link: Hi Epona! (tries to pet the horse but ends up getting kicked in the groin).  
  
Malon: Isn't she sweet? I think she doesn't' like you very much though.  
  
Link: (on the ground holding his crotch) Whatever gave you that idea?  
  
Malon: I know how you can win her trust! I can teach you to play a song that I have sang to Epona since she was born. It's called Epona's song.  
  
(Link gets out his ocarina and Malon teaches him to play "Epona's Song")  
  
Malon: Now whenever you play this song. Epona will come running to you.  
  
Link: Goody!!  
  
Navi: Malon. We must be on our way.  
  
Link: We'll come by again really soon.  
  
Malon: Okay. But promise me that you won't go into a deep sleep in a sacred realm for seven years before you come by again.  
  
Link: What are the chances of that happening?  
  
Navi: Interesting. Lets go!  
  
(Link and Navi start walking towards Kakariko village. Link suddenly gets an idea).  
  
Link: Navi. Before we go get the second spiritual stone. Can we stop by and see Saria?  
  
Navi: (sighs) Why? We have stuff to do.  
  
Link: I just have to see her again.  
  
Navi: Awww. You miss her?  
  
Link: Well. I guess. But I mostly want to see if she recorded that show I show I asked her to record.  
  
Navi: Oh goddesses Link.  
  
Link: Please Navi.  
  
Navi: Fine. But we're going to have to be quick.  
  
Link: YAY!  
  
Navi: The things I do for that boy (sighs).  
  
(Navi and Link reach Kokiri forest and arrives at Saria's house).  
  
Link: Hmmm. Saria isn't here. I wonder where she can be.  
  
Navi: She has to be around here somewhere. Lets go find someone to ask.  
  
Random Kokiri: You can ask Mido. He should know where Saria went. He's always stalking her around.  
  
Link: Where is he?  
  
Kokiri: Sulking in his house.  
  
Navi: Guess we'll have to ask Mido (starts heading for Mido's house).  
  
Link: (grumbles) Great. Just wonderful. Now I get to listen to him tell me how I killed the Deku Tree.  
  
Navi: Just ignore him. Here we are. (Gets ready to knock on the door).  
  
Link: Bah. Lets just go inside. He's an ass anyways and doesn't deserve any courtesy (walks into Mido's house without knocking).  
  
Mido: Haven't you heard of knocking you Deku Tree killer?  
  
Link: (blinks) Knocking? What's that?  
  
Navi: Mido. We're looking for Saria. Any idea where she is?  
  
Mido: Mmmmmmm maybe.  
  
Link: Oh come one. Just tell us.  
  
Mido: Nope.  
  
Link: Please?  
  
Mido: Why should I?  
  
Link: Because I said so. (draws his sword and glares at Mido).  
  
Mido: Nope. I refuse to tell you that Saria is in the Sacred Meadow that is hidden in the lost forest.  
  
Link: Awww. Why not Mido? We need to find her.  
  
Navi: Link? He just told us where she is. Without meaning to of course.  
  
Mido: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. Dammit!  
  
Link: Heheheheheh. See you around you dumbass.  
  
(Link and Navi find there way to the lost forest and start going down the tunnels looking for the sacred meadow).  
  
Link: Navi. We've been walking around here for three hours and we still haven't found our way to Saria. We keep ending back at the start.  
  
Navi: Oh goddesses. Why do you need to talk to her?! We'll never find our way out.  
  
A voice: Or will you?  
  
Link: That voice? It sounds so terrifying yet familiar.  
  
Voice: Heehee. Look up here Link.  
  
Link and Navi: AAAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! It's Kaepora Gaebora!!  
  
Kaepora Gaebora: Heehee. You two are making me laugh. You should realize by now that I'm going to stalk you until the day you die.  
  
Link: (drops to knees) WHYYYYYYYYY?!  
  
KG: I notice that you are lost. I know a way that can help you.  
  
Navi: Wonderful. We're done for.  
  
KG: Just go down the tunnel that has music coming out of it.  
  
(Sure enough throughout the entire lost forest area a song is playing loudly enough for our heroes to hear).  
  
KG: So just follow the sound of music and you should get out of here just fine.  
  
Navi: That's the best advice he has given us on this entire trip.  
  
KG: Do you want me to repeat myself?  
  
Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
KG: Alright then. I'll be seeing you later. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Navi: Oh man. That guy scares the hell out of me.  
  
Link: Uh yea. Lets just go before he decides to come back and bother us again.  
  
(The two of them eventually find their way through the lost forest and are about to go through a maze that they need to go through to get to the sacred meadow).  
  
Navi: Oh great. A maze. We're guaranteed to get lost here.  
  
Link: Bah. We won't get lost here.  
  
Navi: Link. This maze has the word LOST written all over it.  
  
Link: Really? Where?  
  
Navi: Just go (Gives Link a push).  
  
Link: There's not much in here. Just several patches of orange leaves on the ground.  
  
Navi: LINK! THOSE ARE DEKU SCRUBS!  
  
Link: What? (gets hit by a nut) what the.  
  
(In front of them a small Deku scrub pops up from the orange patch of leaves on the ground and begins shooting nuts at Link).  
  
Link: OUCH! Damn thing. OUCH!  
  
Navi: Use your shield you idiot!  
  
Link: (pulls his shield in front of him and the nut bounces off and hits the Deku Scrub in the head).  
  
Deku Scrub: OUCH! I'm telling my mommy!!! (runs away crying)  
  
(The two eventually make their way through the maze and climbs a set of stairs. The music that has been playing throughout the entire lost forest is getting louder).  
  
Link: So that's where that music is coming from. (Points to a nearby log).  
  
Navi: It's Saria.  
  
Link: Hey Saria!  
  
Saria: Hi Link. I'm glad you stopped by to visit.  
  
Link: Yea. I'm on my way to Death Mountain.  
  
Saria: That's cool. I'm just sitting here playing my ocarina. Care to join me?  
  
Link: Sure. Why not?  
  
(Saria and Link begins to play the Lost Forest song, which is called Saria's Song).  
  
Saria: Wow Link. You're getting pretty good. This song we just played has weird powers. If you ever want to speak to me just play this song.  
  
Link: Oh cool. I won't have to walk all the way down here to talk to you then.  
  
Saria: Uh yea. Whatever.  
  
Link: I better get going now. I have some saving to do.  
  
Saria: Alright. Good luck Link.  
  
Link: Thanks Saria. Bye.  
  
(The two leave the sacred meadow. An hour later they arrive at the steps leading up to Kakariko village).  
  
Link: Dammit!  
  
Navi: What's wrong Link?  
  
Link: I forgot to ask Saria if she recorded my show. 


	7. The Gorons

Chapter 7: The Gorons  
  
(Link and Navi have finally arrived at Kakariko village, the beginning of the Death Mountain Trail).  
  
Navi: Lets get started up the trail.  
  
Link: Navi. I see where the trail begins but there is a gate blocking the way up.  
  
Navi: I wonder why that is.  
  
Link: I don't know. Lets ask that guard standing near it if he can open it for us. I'm sure he'll understand.  
  
(A few minutes later)  
  
Guard: BWAHAHAHA! You want me to open this gate? I don't understand why you want me to do such a thing.  
  
Link: Well. Princess Zelda sent me down here so I can talk to the Gorons.  
  
Guard: Yea right Kid. Very few people have actually met Zelda. The only way you can get passed this gate is if you get permission from royalty.  
  
Navi: Hey Link. Show him the note that Zelda wrote for you.  
  
Link: Oh right. I almost forgot about that. (hands the guard the letter).  
  
Guard: (reading the letter out loud) Dear Mr. Guard. Link is under my command to save mine and the people of Hyrule's asses from an evil man who is [undoubtedly] going to take over the kingdom someday. Let him pass or else. Love Zelda.  
  
Link: My that girl has a way with words.  
  
Guard: I guess I'll have to let you pass. (steps on a button nearby and the gate opens). By the way,. It would be wise to get a bigger and stronger shield before you start on up. I recommend you get another.  
  
Link: Great. Now we have to go all the way back to Hyrule.  
  
Navi: Actually. I heard that there is a shield hidden under a tombstone in the graveyard in this town.  
  
Link: Really? Where did you hear that?  
  
Navi: The voices in my head.  
  
Link: I see. Um. Lets go then.  
  
(Link and Navi head on over to the Kakariko Cemetery. While they are there they move each tombstone until they come across one that is hiding the shield. They come back to the Death mountain trail and begin their way up the path).  
  
Link: Wow. This is a pretty tough climb. Don't you agree Navi.  
  
Navi: It doesn't make any difference to me considering that I can fly.  
  
Link: (grumbling) Lucky.  
  
Navi: Link. I would watch where you are going.  
  
Link: Why? I'm not going to get lost. (gets ran over by a goron rolling down the hill). Ouchie.  
  
Navi: I told you.  
  
Link: Ugh.  
  
Navi: I think I see the entrance to Goron City.  
  
Link: (stands up). I see it to. Shall we go in?  
  
Navi: After you.  
  
Link: (walks into Goron city) Wow. This is an interesting place.  
  
Navi: Lets just get the spiritual stone and leave already. We already wasted a lot of time talking to Malon and Saria.  
  
Link: Alright. Lets look for the leader. (pokes a nearby Goron in the side) Take me to your leader.  
  
Navi: LINK! Don't be so rude! I'm sorry. But can you be so kind to tell us where your leader is?  
  
Goron: Ah. You must mean Big Brother. He has shut himself up in his room. He says he won't come out until the King's royal messenger arrives.  
  
Link: Royal messenger?  
  
Goron: Yea. Us Gorons are in trouble. Did you see that cave towards the base of death mountain? It was being blocked by a giant rock.  
  
Navi: Well we did see a giant rock. It was next to a sign. Said something about Dodongo's Cavern.  
  
Goron: Yes. That's it. Well. We used to harvest our food there. But the Dodongos came and took over the cave. Then an evil man came and blocked the entrance to the cave so we couldn't get in. Now we are going to starve to death.  
  
Link: What did you harvest in there?  
  
Goron: Rocks.  
  
Navi: You eat rocks??  
  
Goron: Errr yea. They're delicious.  
  
Link: Where is your leader?  
  
Goron: He's in his room. He locked himself in there. He said not to let anyone bother him. He also said he wont' come out until Hyrule's royal messenger arrives.  
  
Navi: Why the hell is he hiding out?  
  
Goron: who knows.  
  
Link: Thank you. I think we'll bother him anyways. It's really important.  
  
(Link and Navi walk to the bottom center of Goron city and finds the room where the Goron leader is. Unfortunately the door is locked).  
  
Link: Great. Another obstacle.  
  
Navi: Hmmm. The leader said he is waiting for the royal messenger. Why don't you play Zelda's Lullaby on your ocarina. Maybe he'll think you are royalty and open up.  
  
Link: Alright. (plays Zelda's Lullaby)  
  
(And Walla! The door opens).  
  
Link: Hey. It worked.  
  
Navi: Of course it did. Now go!  
  
Link: (enters through the door way and sees a large goron with his back to him). Um Hello?  
  
Leader Goron: (turns around. His mouth is obviously stuffed with something). Hphm?  
  
Link: Uh Hi. You aren't eating anything are you? I heard that you all are starving.  
  
Leader Goron: (swallows food) It was just a little bit.  
  
Link: You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Your people are starving and you are sneaking in food!  
  
Leader goron: (turns red) Well. Wait a minute!! Who are you? I heard the royal family's song and was expecting someone more important to come in!  
  
Link: I AM important!  
  
LG: Really now? I am highly offended. Are my people and I not good enough for the King? It's already bad enough that he kept putting off helping us.  
  
Link: I'm not the messenger! Why are you so grumpy anyways?  
  
LG: Why am I grumpy you ask? My people are starving. A man of the desert is after my spiritual stone. Dodongos have taken over the area where my people harvest their food And you are asking me why I'm grumpy?!?!?!  
  
Link: (whispering to Navi) Perhaps I shouldn't tell him why we're here yet.  
  
Navi: That would be wise.  
  
LG: Why are you whispering? Are you talking about me?  
  
Link: Maybe I should give Saria a call on the ocarina to ask her advice.  
  
Navi: Why? Doesn't mine matter?  
  
Link: (plays Saria's song).  
  
Navi: (pokes Link) Look!  
  
(Link looks where Navi is pointing and sees the Big Goron Leader dancing to Saria's song).  
  
Navi: (disbelief) I think he likes it.  
  
Link: Well I was the one who played it.  
  
LG: (dancing to the song) Ooh yea! Catchy!  
  
Link: I hope he doesn't kill us.  
  
LG: (stops dancing) Wow! What a great song! It's like all of my problems were washed away! I am Darunia. Leader of the Gorons.  
  
Link: Hi. I'm link. Leader of the Kokiri.  
  
Navi: You are not!  
  
Link: (flicks Navi) Shush!  
  
Daurnia: What can I help you with?  
  
Link: I need the Spiritual stone.  
  
Daurnia: You mean the Goron's Ruby? I'm sorry. But in order for me to give that to you. You will need to prove yourself worthy.  
  
Link: Not again!  
  
Daurnia: If you want it so badly then you can go destroy the Dodongos that have taken over our cave.  
  
Link: What are dodongos?  
  
Daurnia: Fire breathing dinosaurs.  
  
Link: I guess I can do that. But only if you give me the stone.  
  
Daurnia: If you succeed. I have something that may help you. (hands Link a bracelet).  
  
Link: Oh wow! A bracelet. Just what I always wanted.  
  
Daurnia: That's no ordinary bracelet. That bracelet makes you stronger. You can use it to pick up the Goron's special crop.  
  
Link: Pot?  
  
Daurina: NO! Bombs.  
  
Link: (sadly) oh.  
  
Daurina: Don't worry. In order to get into the cavern you need to blow up the rock.  
  
Link: Ooooh. I can blow stuff up?  
  
Daurina: Of course. And if you survive then I will greet you at the entrance of the cavern.  
  
Navi: Thanks. We'll be heading on down now.  
  
(Link and Navi head out of Goron City and walk to the ledge to peer down at the large boulder blocking the cave).  
  
Navi: Link. I think I see the "special crop."  
  
Link: Where? I don't see any.  
  
Navi: (points to a bomb shaped plant). Pick it up.  
  
Link: (picks up the bomb flower)  
  
Navi: THROW IT YOU NIMROD BEFORE IT EXPLODES!  
  
Link: But it's so pretty.  
  
Navi: WHO CARES?! IF YOU DON'T THROW IT THEN WE'LL BOTH END UP DEAD!!  
  
Link: Alright alright. You don't need to be so bitchy about it. (throws the bomb at the boulder and watches it explode and open the cave entrance).  
  
Navi: GOOD! Now. Lets get down there and kick some dodongo butt!! 


	8. Dodongo's Cavern

I like to mention before starting this chapter that I have somethings mixed up. I don't remember every single thing that's in Dodongo's Cavern. It may be a bit off but it should be fine.  
  
Chapter 8: Dodongo's Cavern  
  
(Link and Navi finally makes it to Donongo's cavern to fight the vicious dinosaur that has taken over the Goron's cave).  
  
Link: Hey. There's a dead end!  
  
Navi: Hmm.you're right. There's just a wall in front of us and the only doorway is the one we came in.  
  
Link: Aww. That's too bad. Guess we can't do this after all. (starts to walk away).  
  
Navi: (grabs Link's shirt/tunic). Hold on a sec. The wall directly in front of us is lighter in color then the rest of the walls.  
  
Link: So?  
  
Navi: Why don't you use a bomb flower to see if you can blow it up.  
  
Link: Navi, navi, navi. What an imagination you have! There is no way this little bomb flower can blow up a strong wall.  
  
Navi: It blew that boulder up!!!  
  
Link: Aaaaaaaaaaaand your point is?  
  
Navi: Just try to blow the damn wall up already.  
  
Link: Alright alright. Sheesh.  
  
(Link places a bomb flower in front of the wall. It explode and what do you know, the wall comes crumbling down).  
  
Link: Wow. There's a cave inside! I told you that this would work Navi.  
  
Navi: (mouth drops open).  
  
Link: You never listen to me! I'm afraid I'm going to have to record this into the notebook. (gets out his notebook and begins writing in it).  
  
Navi: I TOLD YOU TO DO THAT!  
  
Link: You shouldn't lie Navi. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to put down that you like to lie too.  
  
Navi: How many things do you have in there?  
  
Link: Several. In chapter 1 I got ran over by a rolling rock that you didn't warn me about. In chapter 2, you forced me to climb a ladder even though it was decaying. I ended up hurting myself after the ladder broke.  
  
Navi: (sighs) Are you done yet?  
  
Link: NO! Also in chapter 2, you made me jump off the ledge onto that giant spider web. I landed in the water and got the breath knocked out of me PLUS I almost drowned.  
  
Navi: (begins to fly off)  
  
Link: HEY! Where are you going?  
  
Navi: Into the cave idiot.  
  
(The main room in the cavern is has several platforms and floors. Right in the middle, is an "island." On the "island" is a beamos [a robot]).  
  
Link: Lets go over to that platform in the middle of the room.  
  
Navi: Be careful Link. There's a beamos on that platform.  
  
Link: What's a beamos?  
  
Navi: It's a metal thing that shoots laser beams at you.  
  
Link: That's funny Navi.  
  
Navi: (puzzled) What do you mean?  
  
Link: EVERYBODY knows that laser beams haven't been invented yet.  
  
Navi: Fine Link. Don't believe me.  
  
Link: I won't! (gets hit in the ass by a laser beam) OUCH!  
  
Navi: (smug) I told you so.  
  
Link: Lets not speak of this ever again. (jumps onto a platform and jumps onto the first floor).  
  
Navi: There's a door there.  
  
Link: Common sense will tell you that Navi.  
  
Navi: I have more common sense then you do laser boy.  
  
Link: (glares at Navi and enters a door nearby).  
  
(A while later, Navi and Link make it to the room that has the large steps. The one where you blow up all those bombs to create the steps).  
  
Link: Ohhhh! Look at all those bomb flowers. Can I blow them all up Navi?  
  
Navi: Knock yourself out kid.  
  
Link: YAY! (grabs a bomb flower and throws it next to another).  
  
Navi: Stand back Linky boy. I think this is going to be quite some show.  
  
(The bomb flower explodes and causes a chain reaction. In other words, causing all of the bomb flowers to explode. Afterwards, the steps column in the middle of the room turns into large steps).  
  
Navi: Wow! That was pretty cool.  
  
Link: (begins to climb the stairs). Why do they have to be so darn big? (grunts).  
  
(A few minutes later, Link and Navi arrive in the room with the blades that slide across the floor).  
  
Navi: Be careful Link. You never know what's on the other side of the corner.  
  
Link: (dodges the blades and makes it to the other side). I guess I better climb that ladder.  
  
Navi: There's a problem. You need to blowup that wall that's on top.  
  
Link: No problem. (climbs the ladder). There's a bomb flower at that other ledge. Next to that treasure chest.  
  
Navi: Jump over there then.  
  
(After jumping and falling many times, Link finally makes it to the other ledge).  
  
Link: Lets see what is inside this chest. (opens it) MONEY!! (pockets it). I'M RICH RICH!!  
  
Navi: Yea. Nice. Now blow up that fake wall on the other side.  
  
Link: Alright Navi. (grabs the bomb flower and throws it to the other ledge. It falls off).  
  
Navi: Hmm. It fell off. Try again.  
  
Link: Alright. (throws the BF again. It falls off). Grr.  
  
Navi: Third times a charm.  
  
Link: Of course. (tries again. It stays on) GOODIE (The BF is about to explode. It falls off again).  
  
Navi: (blinks) Wow.  
  
Link: (eye twitches)  
  
(For the next couple of hours all we hear are the sounds of swearing and bombs exploding. It isn't a pretty site).  
  
Navi: Okay Link. Lets try this one more time. If it doesn't work then we will find another way.  
  
Link: (throws the bomb again and this time it doesn't fall) GOOD! TAKE THAT YOU DAMN WALL!! (jumps to the other side and walks through the door).  
  
Navi: Yea Link. You show that wall who is boss.  
  
Link: Of course I did!  
  
(A few minutes later they are in the room where there is a giant treasure chest).  
  
Link: That treasure chest on the other side of the room looks pretty big. It must be pretty important.  
  
Navi: Lets see what it is.  
  
Link: (opens the chest) They're bombs!! Ones that I can actually carry around without them going off on me!  
  
Navi: That's great Link. But I think that we should continue on and look for Dodongo.  
  
(A few minutes later, they find themselves back in the mainroom. They see a scripture on a large stone in front of them).  
  
Link: What does that scripture say?  
  
Navi: Something about that dead dodongo seeing red and a new way will open.  
  
Link: That doesn't make sense. It's dead. It can't see.  
  
Navi: Well lets get going. We can jump on that platform right in front of us and hitch a ride up.  
  
Link: How come that platform is going much higher then it was when we came in?  
  
Navi: Remember when you trip over that switch?  
  
Link: Oh yea. (jumps onto the platform and falls off). AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!  
  
Navi: Oh dear. He's going to have a burned bottom after he lands in that magma.  
  
Link: (lands) uh oh.I'm sitting on magma. OUCH!! (flies back up into the air holding his butt).  
  
Navi: Welcome back.  
  
Link: My poor little pink bum. (sniffles)  
  
Navi: Can you try to get back on the platform without killing yourself?  
  
Link: I'll try. (jumps towards the platform and succeeds!)  
  
Navi: Good. Now lets ride to the top and see what is up there.  
  
Link: (jumps off the platform onto the floor) There's a bridge over there Navi!  
  
Navi: Then walk to the other side of it.  
  
Link: Hey! We're standing over that giant dodongo skull.  
  
Navi: Hmm. Throw a bomb into the eyes of it Link.  
  
Link: Why?  
  
Navi: Remember the scripture we read a few minutes ago?  
  
Link: The one about the dead dodongo?  
  
Navi: Yea! That's the one. I think it means that you should throw a bomb in its eyes.  
  
Link: Won't that hurt the poor thing though?  
  
Navi: It's dead Link.  
  
Link: What if its spirit comes to haunt us.  
  
Navi: (rolls eyes) You get to blow something up.  
  
Link: GREAT!! (throws a bomb into each eye).  
  
(The ground begins to rumble and the mouth of the giant dodongo opens).  
  
Navi: Cool! Lets enter its mouth.  
  
(Together they enter the mouth. They come upon that room where you have to move several blocks. They complete everything they need to do and finally make it to an empty room).  
  
Link: Great. A dead end.  
  
Navi: Maybe not Link. Bomb that pile of dirt in the middle of the room.  
  
Link: (bombs it and an opening shows up).  
  
Navi: Now. Drop through.  
  
Link: Okay. Here we go. (begins to slowly slip down the hole).  
  
Navi: Quicker buddy. The faster you do this, the quicker you can go home and sleep.  
  
Link: (falls down the hole). AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Navi: There we go. (giggles)  
  
Link: Where do we go now?  
  
Navi: Do you hear something? It sounds like something big is walking towards us.  
  
Link: I hear it too. It is most undoubtedly standing behind us.  
  
Navi: Shall we turn around and act surprised?  
  
Link: Might as well. We should give the reader SOME excitement.  
  
(The two slowly turn around and behind them is standing a large FIRE BREATHING DINOSAUR! AIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!!)  
  
Link: Oh. Wow. That's big.  
  
King Dodongo: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAR!!  
  
Navi: Loud too.  
  
Link: Uh oh. We're screwed.  
  
Navi: hmm. When I was in high school I learned that dodongos dislike bombs.  
  
Link: Really? I think they are rather fun to play with.  
  
Navi: No you idiot. They do not like to eat them. Throw a bomb into his mouth and see what happens.  
  
Link: (throws a bomb into dodongo's mouth as he opens it to spit out fire).  
  
Navi: good aim.  
  
Link: Thank you. (the bomb explodes in the king's mouth).  
  
Navi: HACK HIM WITH YOUR SWORD!!!!  
  
Link: (starts hacking like a crazy man at dodongo) BWAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
(Dodongo gets annoyed and slowly crawls to his feet. He then curls up into a tight ball and begins rolling around).  
  
Navi: Use your shield to protect yourself link!!  
  
Link: (hides under his shield while dodongo runs him over) Hey I'm still alive.  
  
Navi: Great! He stopped rolling. I suggest you hurry. He's about to  
  
KD: ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!! (breathes out fire at Link).  
  
Link: Ouchie.  
  
Navi: (winces) You're burnt to a crisp!  
  
Link: I think I'm going to need some medicine afterwards.  
  
Navi: I suggest you hide under your shield again.  
  
Link: Why? (gets ran over my dodongo).  
  
Navi: Oh goddesses Link. He isn't THAT hard to beat.  
  
Link: (jumps up and gives a war cry)  
  
Navi: That's the spirit!  
  
Link: (rushes towards with Dodongo with a bomb) Eat smoke you ass! (throws the bomb into KD's mouth).  
  
Dogongo: Hrmph? (bomb explodes).  
  
Link: (runs up to Dodongo and beats him with the sword).  
  
Navi: (In a cheerleader outfit with pompoms) GO LINK GO!!  
  
Link: (crazy look in his eyes) heehehehehe. Come and get me!  
  
KD: Grrr. (begins to roll towards Link).  
  
Link: (hides under his shield).  
  
KD: (stands back up and begins to storm over to Link).  
  
Link: (throws another bomb into KD's mouth) How many bomb's does it take to bring this guy down???  
  
Navi: He's a big dinosaur. It's going to take a while. (gets out a book).  
  
Link: Ah ha! The bomb just exploded. (hacks away).  
  
KD: GRAAAAAAAWRRRRRRRR!!! (rolls into the magma in the center of the room and dies).  
  
Link: I killed him! I killed him!  
  
Navi: Already?? Wow! That's great.  
  
Link: I'm so proud. (sniffles).  
  
Navi: Lets head on back to Goron city to get the second spiritual stone.  
  
Link: (walks into the warp hole that has opened up nearby) Lets see what happens.  
  
Navi: I juse hope that Daurnia will keep his promise. 


	9. Pain and Torment

Chapter 9: Pain and torment.  
  
(Link and Navi walked into the blue warp that appeared after beating King Dodongo. A minute later they reappear outside of Dodongos Cavern. Link is pretty bruised up. He is covered in blood and looks exhausted).  
  
Link: We need more warps like those. I hate having to walk everywhere.  
  
Navi: You're the hero in this story. You're not supposed to be lazy.  
  
Link: Do you hear that noise?  
  
Navi: What noise? I don't hear anything.  
  
Link: You know that high pitched noise you hear in cartoons that represents something falling from the sky?  
  
Navi: Yes.  
  
Link: It sounds like that.  
  
Navi: But this isn't a cartoon.  
  
CRASH!! BANG!  
  
(Suddenly, Daurnia lands directly in front of Link. Other gorons do that same).  
  
Daurnia: I must say that I am impressed. A scrawny kid like you beating up all of those dodongos.  
  
Link: HEY!  
  
Daurnia: You know what kid? I think I like you.  
  
Link: I prefer to date my own species.  
  
Daurnia: That's not what I mean you little perv. Anyways.how about you and I become sworn brothers?  
  
Link: Brothers? Does it involve a big ceremony.  
  
Daurnia: No. Of course not. That's too much trouble.  
  
Link: Alright then.  
  
Daurnia: Great!  
  
Link: (coughs)  
  
Daurnia: Ah yes. I promised you the spiritual stone. (holds up his arms and a red stone suddenly appears in front of Link).  
  
Link: That's pretty. (grabs the stone).  
  
Daurnia: I can't believe how suddenly all of the dodongos came. There were many of them. We couldn't protect our cave from them. It was the fault of the desert man, Ganondorf. He blocked the cave from us and said that the would remove the boulder only if I gave him the spiritual stone.  
  
Link: (shocked) That asshole!  
  
Daurnia: Yes. Anyways. The problem is solved! We can go back to our cave and eat the delicious rocks.  
  
Link: Errr. Yummy.  
  
Daurnia: You look a little beat up brother. I suggest you visit the great fairy on top of the mountain. She'll make you good as new.  
  
Navi: (mumbles some angry words).  
  
Link: Okay. Thanks. We'll do that.  
  
Daurnia: (talking to the gorons surrounding Link) Why don't you all give your thanks to our new Sworn Brother!  
  
Goron1: You did great!  
  
Goron2: That was awesome.  
  
Goron3: I never seen such a small person beat up a large dinosaur before.  
  
Goron4: Give us hug!  
  
All Gorons: HUUUUUUUUUUUUUG!!  
  
Link: (pales) Ohlookatthetimeigottago! (runs away screaming)  
  
Gorons: (chasing after Link) HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG!!  
  
Link: AIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Gorons: COME BACK HERE AND GIVE US A HUG!!  
  
(It is dusk and Navi and Link are almost near the top of the mountain).  
  
Navi: Be careful Link. There are several hot rocks flying around. Try not to get hit.  
  
Link: (keeps getting hit by large rocks) OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!  
  
Navi: Run boy run!  
  
Link: (runs and dodges the flying rocks)  
  
Navi: Phew. We are out of the line of danger now. All we have to do is climb the large Cliffside in front of us.  
  
Link: I should probably kill the Skulltulas first.  
  
Navi: Yea. They might charge at you and make you fall.  
  
Link: (kills the Skulltulas and climbs the Cliffside to the top).  
  
Navi: Oh goddesses.  
  
Link: What's wrong Navi? (looks in the direction where Navi is looking) RUN FOR IT NAVI!  
  
Kaepora Gaebora: Hello there Link. Here I am again. Still stalking you.  
  
Link: WHY?!  
  
KG: Because I love it! I take it you are here to see the Great Fairy. She can supply you with a new ability.  
  
Link: Where is she?  
  
KG: You have to figure that out on your own.  
  
Link: Why?  
  
KG: I don't wanna tell you.  
  
Navi: Link. There is a wall that looks like it's about to fall apart. (points)  
  
Link: YAY! I get to blow some more stuff up!(gets out a bomb and throws it at the wall).  
  
Navi: (covers ears)  
  
KABOOM!!  
  
Link:Hmmmm. (looks at KG mischievously)  
  
Navi: Sorry Link. We're not allowed to kill the people who are considered the good guys in this story.  
  
Link: (sadly) awwwww.  
  
KG: (snickers)  
  
Link: (walking into the newly made door) Do you know this great fairy Navi?  
  
Navi: (snorts) Yes. I went to high school with her.  
  
Link: I take it that you don't like her.  
  
Navi: She was such a bitch. She always made fun of the way I dressed (sniffles).  
  
Link: Awwww. You dress really pretty Navi. (gives her a hug).  
  
Navi: Thank you Link. You're sweet.  
  
Link: How do we get this fairy's attention?  
  
Navi: Stand on the triforce that is painted into the ground. Then play Zelda's Lullaby.  
  
Link: (does that) Well? Nothing happened.  
  
Voice: WAHAHAHA!!  
  
Link: (gulps) What was that?  
  
(The owner of the voice comes from the pool of water that is right in front of Link and Navi).  
  
Link: (whispers to Navi) Weren't there rumors that she was beautiful?  
  
Navi: (Stares at GF) She used to be but now she's  
  
Link: UGLY!  
  
GF: Hello Link. I am the Great Fairy of magic. I understand you are here for something.  
  
Navi: Depends on what you mean?  
  
GF: Ah Navi. Still wearing that dull outfit I see?  
  
Navi: Of course your prettiness! (does a curtsy).  
  
GF: I know I'm pretty. Everyone is soooooo jealous of me.  
  
Link: (tries not to laugh).  
  
GF: Anyways Link. I'm going to give you a new skill. It is called The Spin Attack  
  
Link: What is that?  
  
GF: It is when you charge up your sword and after it is charged, you spin and you hit many enemies with your blade filled with magic.  
  
Link: Ooooooooh. Sounds neat. Give it to me!  
  
GF: (holds her hands up and a magic beam surrounds Link).  
  
Link: (drowsy) That fairy is starting to look awfully hot.  
  
Navi: (smacks Link) Snap out of it!  
  
Link: Sorry.  
  
GF: All done. When you get weak and weary from battle please come back and see me. I can heal your wounds.  
  
Link: Okay. Thank you.  
  
GF: Nice seeing you again Navi.  
  
Navi: Same to you, your highness!  
  
(Link and Navi being to head back out of the cave).  
  
Link: Why were you so sweet with her? I thought you hated her.  
  
Navi: Because.she is the Queen of Fairies. So that means that I have to be  
  
Link: Don't say it!!  
  
Navi: NICE! (sobs)  
  
Link: (gives Navi a hug) Don't worry. We won't have to go through the pain and torment anymore.  
  
Navi: Don't forget that KG is out there.  
  
Link: Dammit! You're right! Maybe we won't ever see him again.  
  
Navi: Right. Whatever. Lets just get this over with.  
  
Link: (walks out of the cave and heads for KG).  
  
Navi: LINK! What are you doing??  
  
Link: Hey KG! You are no longer the most annoying character in the game anymore.  
  
Navi: WHAT?!  
  
KG: Really? (Begins to cry) That's all I ever wanted! Just some love.  
  
Link: Awww. I feel bad now.  
  
KG: Who is the new annoying character?  
  
Link: The great fairy.  
  
KG: I see. I'm still going to stalk you like there is no tomorrow.  
  
Link: (snaps fingers) damn!  
  
KG: Wanna ride down to Kakariko village?  
  
Link: Um sure.  
  
KG: (flies off the perch he is resting on and picks Link up)  
  
Link: You won't drop me will you?  
  
KG: (grins evilly at Link and beings to fly down to the village).  
  
Link: AIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!!  
  
KG: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
Link: Oh goddesses. Why didn't I just walk down?!  
  
Navi: Because you're stupid!  
  
KG: Here we are!  
  
Link: Great! You can put me down now.  
  
KG: (drops Link)  
  
Link: (falls from 300 feet in the air) AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!  
  
KG: You said to put you down! Heehee.  
  
Link: (hits the ground) Ouch.  
  
Navi: LINK! Are you alright?!  
  
Link: (sits up slowly and holds his head) No wonder this chapter was called "Pain and Torment."  
  
Navi: Uh yea. Lets call Saria to see where we should go next.  
  
Link: (calls Saria on his ocarina)  
  
Saria: Hi Link! I heard that the leader of the Zora's has the third spiritual stone!  
  
Link: Really? Where is that?  
  
Saria: Follow the river. You'll get there eventually.  
  
Link: Comforting. Thanks Saria.  
  
Navi: Lets quickly head on down there before anything else bad happens.  
  
(Link and Navi follow the river to a wide canyon and eventually ends up in a dead end. In front of the waterfall).  
  
Link: Looks like Saria's instructions were bad.  
  
Navi: Maybe not. You are standing on an inscription.  
  
Link: What's it say?  
  
Navi: "No soliciting."  
  
Link: (sighs loudly).  
  
Navi: Try Zelda's lullaby. It worked before.  
  
Link: (plays Zelda's Lullaby and the waterfall parts making an opening).  
  
Navi: I see a doorway. Lets go through it.  
  
Link: (enters the doorway) Oooooh. This is amazing.  
  
(They are in a large room. There are several paths leading to various locations. On the bottom there is a large lake/pool. Whatever you want to call it. The two of them walk over to the king's chamber and head down a tunnel and runs into a zora).  
  
Zora: Hello. Would you like to play the diving game?  
  
Link: Sure. How do you play?  
  
Zora: I throw these rupees into the water below. You dive off this cliff and retrieve all of the rupees in a certain amount of time. You will get a gift from me.  
  
Link: Great!  
  
Zora: (throws the rupees to the lake/pool below) GO! (pushes Link)  
  
Link: (Smacks into the water, face first)  
  
Navi: Hurry Link!  
  
Link: (swims around and finds all of the rupees)  
  
Zora: WONDERFUL! Come claim your prize.  
  
Link: (rushes back eagerly) Give me!!  
  
Zora: (Hands Link his prize).  
  
Link: A bubble. How amazing.  
  
Zora: It enables you to breathe under water better.  
  
Link: Oh.  
  
Zora: Go test it out at Lake Hylia. You can get there through the tunnel under the pool below.  
  
Link: Alright. (dives off the cliff again and goes through the tunnel to the lake).  
  
Navi Shouldn't we be finding the last spiritual stone?  
  
Link: We will. After I test this out. Here we are.  
  
Navi: Wow! It's beautiful.  
  
Random Zora: Hello! First timers I see.  
  
Navi: Yup.  
  
Random Zora: You can probably find some cool things under this lake.  
  
Link: (begins to dive around). Hey. I see something at the bottom.  
  
Navi: Well get it. It may be important.  
  
Link: (goes under the water and grabs the object).  
  
Navi: What is it?  
  
Link: A bottle. With a note inside.  
  
Navi: What does it say?  
  
Link: Something about a Jabu Jabu eating a princess Ruto. (lightning flashes across the sky). 


	10. Jabu Jabu's Belly

Chapter 10: Jabu Jabu's Belly  
  
Navi: Ruto? Who is that?  
  
Zora: (covers ears) DO NOT MENTION THAT NAME!  
  
Link: Why not?  
  
Zora: She is the princess of the zora's. She is HORRIBLE1.  
  
Navi: Does she torture things for kicks?  
  
Zora: No. she is the biggest brat you'll ever meet.  
  
Link: In what way?  
  
Zora: It is too horrifying to tell. But if you must, I suggest you give that note to King Zora and leave quickly.  
  
Navi: Will the King be able to tell us about the Zora's Sapphire?  
  
Zora: Most likely. Although, it isn't his. It's Princess Ruto's. If you want it you will have to take it up with her but it isn't worth it.  
  
Link: Thanks for your help. We'll be leaving now.  
  
Zora: No problem. (Dives back into the water).  
  
Link: I have a bad feeling about this.  
  
Navi: Well we have to get the last spiritual stone.  
  
Link: True. (dives into the water and goes through the tunnel that leads back to Zora's Domain).  
  
Navi: I guess the King's Chamber is up that path. (points)  
  
Link: How do you know?  
  
Navi: Well for one the sign in front of us says so.  
  
Link: (shrugs)  
  
Navi: Wait up Link!  
  
Link: (walks into the King's throne room) OH ROLLING GORONS! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?!  
  
(In front of Link and Navi sits a really really really big fish).  
  
Navi: (nudges Link) That's the king you idiot. Show some respect.  
  
Link: Um hi your majesty.  
  
King Zora: Where is my precious princess Ruto?  
  
Link: Um. We need to ask you about the Zora's Sapphire.  
  
King Zora: Where is my precious princess Ruto?  
  
Link: (stares) Um. I found a bottle in Lake Hylia with a note from her in it.  
  
KG: GIVE IT TO ME!!!  
  
Link: (throws the bottle at the king)  
  
KG: (gets hit in the head) Ouch! (reads the letter) Jabu Jabu! What the hell is she doing in there?  
  
Link: Beats me.  
  
KG: Would you go in and get her for me?  
  
Link: What's in it for me?  
  
KG: Hmm. I can give you a reward.  
  
Link: Spiritual stone?  
  
KG: Yea. Whatever. Let me move out of the way so you can get by. I suggest taking a fish by the way (begins scooting over slooooooooowly).  
  
Link: Um. This is going to take a while. Lets go find a fish Navi.  
  
(The two of them go down the lake at the bottom of Zora's Domain and finds an area where there are tons of fish swimming).  
  
Navi: How are you going to catch a fish without a fishing pole?  
  
Link: (catches a fish with his teeth).  
  
Navi: Ewww. That's nasty.  
  
Link: (rolls eyes and puts the fish in a bottle).  
  
Navi: I think you might want to brush your teeth now.  
  
Link: (puzzled) Why?  
  
Navi: Nevermind. Lets just get back to the King's throne room to see if he is moved out of the way yet.  
  
(They head back and find out that the King only moved 2 inches since they had left).  
  
Navi: (stares) Oh goddesses. We are going to be here for a while.  
  
Link: Lets play a game while we are waiting!  
  
5 Hours Later  
  
Navi: Checkmate!  
  
Link: Checkmate?  
  
Navi: Yea. I just captured your King.  
  
Link: King?  
  
Navi: Well. We ARE playing chess.  
  
Link: CHESS? I thought we were playing checkers.  
  
Navi: Hey look. He's out of the way already.  
  
Link: Great lets go!  
  
(They walk up behind the king and go through the tunnel the king was previously blocking. They find themselves outside in a small area filled with water. In the body of water sits a whale-fish thing).  
  
Link: What the hell is that?  
  
Navi: That's Lord Jabu Jabu.  
  
Link: How are we going to get inside of him with his mouth shut?  
  
Navi: Hmmm. (gets a brainstorm) Dump the fish out in front of him.  
  
Link: (Dumps the fish in front of Jabu Jabu) Well? Nothing is happening!  
  
Jabu: (sniffs) GET IN MAH BELLY!! (sucks Link and Navi up).  
  
Link and Navi: AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
Navi: (lands on the "ground")  
  
Link: (lands on top of Navi) Navi? Where are you?  
  
Navi: Hphmhmm.  
  
Link: What? (stands up). Oh there you are Navi. (scraps her up off the "ground").  
  
Navi: (sarcastic) Thanks.  
  
Link: Oh you're welcome. Just be careful next time.  
  
Navi: You landed on me!  
  
Link: . . . .  
  
Navi: I'm sorry. Is that taking a minute to comprehend.  
  
Link: . . . .  
  
Navi: Um Link. (snaps her fingers in front of his face).  
  
Link: (snaps out of it) Oh sorry. Hey. We're inside JabuJabu's belly!  
  
Navi: (stares).  
  
Link: Um. Let us go.  
  
(Link and Navi begin their journey through JabuJabu's belly. I'm not going to bother to list all of the rooms because I'm too lazy to write about them all. Anyways, they reach another room where they find a young zora girl).  
  
Zora Girl: Who the hell are you?  
  
Link: Um. I'm Link and this is my fairy Navi. Who the hell are you?  
  
Zora: I am princess Ruto (lightening flashes).  
  
Link: Nice to meet you. I'm here to rescue you.  
  
Ruto: I suppose you are going to get me out of here.  
  
Link: Of course.  
  
Ruto: Over my dead body!  
  
Link: That can be arranged. (draws his sword)  
  
Ruto: Hphm. I came here to find something I lost. I refuse to go back. (turns around to walk away but ends up falling into a hole that is nearby).  
  
Navi: Oh dear. You better follow Link. Link?  
  
Link: (is walking away) You heard her. She doesn't want to leave.  
  
Navi: GET YOUR ASS DOWN THERE RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN.  
  
Link: (meekly) Yes ma'm (falls down the hole and lands next to Ruto).  
  
Ruto: You again! Why are you following me?!  
  
Link: Because I'm forced to.  
  
Ruto: Are you that worried about me?  
  
Link: No.  
  
Ruto: That's so sweet. Fine you can come along. But you will have the honors of carrying me (sits down).  
  
Link: You want me to carry you?  
  
Ruto: Did I stutter?  
  
Link: (sighs and picks up Ruto).  
  
Ruto: Onward slave!  
  
Link: (grumbles some things that I will not write).  
  
Navi: Wow. I'd hate to be you right now.  
  
Link: This was your idea.  
  
(They continue on through Jabu's belly and eventually come to a room with these mana-ray type creatures).  
  
Link: Well there's nothing in here. (turns around to walk out only to find the door locked). Awww. Dammit!  
  
Navi: Guess you'll have to fight them. I suggest you use Deku nuts to get them up in the air.  
  
Link: (throws down a Deku nut and all of the mana-ray things popup and come after him). AIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! THEY ARE STINGING ME!  
  
Navi: Suck it up you big baby!  
  
Link: (eventually beats them). Hey a large treasure chest just popped up!  
  
Navi: What's in it?  
  
Link: I'm about to check. (opens it and pulls out a . . . . . ) IT'S A BOOMERANG NAVI!  
  
Navi: that's great Link. You have another weapon to hurt yourself with.  
  
Link: Onward! (picks Ruto back up and heads out the door).  
  
(They continue on through the belly and end up in an area where they have to fight those three giant worms. Link beats two of them and heads off the fight the third).  
  
Link: BWAHAHAHAHA! YOU ARE GOING DOWN LIKE YOUR BROTHERS WOOOOOOOOOOORM!.  
  
Giant Worm: (cries) What did you do to my brothers?  
  
Link: I killed the bastards.  
  
Giant Worm: I'LL KILL YOU, YOU LITTLE BASTARD! (swoons down to attack Link).  
  
Link: (hits the worm with his boomerang several times).  
  
Giant Worm: Woe is me! Death is upon me! ACK! (dies).  
  
Link: I beat him Navi.  
  
Navi: Um Navi. You forgot something.  
  
Link: What? (Gets electrocuted by some jellyfish nearby) OUCH! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL! BWAHAHAHAHA! (kills them all).  
  
(They continue their journey and eventually find themselves in a round room with a platform in the middle of the room).  
  
Ruto: MY MOTHER'S STONE! Throw me on the platform!  
  
Link: (gladly does so).  
  
Ruto: (picks up her stone) Wow. I was so upset when Jabu Jabu swallowed this. I had to get it out of here. I finally found it. I no longer need to be here. Take me out of here.  
  
(Suddenly the platform begins to rise up with Ruto still on it. She disappears from sight).  
  
Ruto: (voice from above) AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE! What is that? Some kind of octopus?!  
  
(The platform comes back down and in Ruto's place is an octopus with a green spot on its butt).  
  
Link: That's a nice change.  
  
Octo: ROOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWR!!  
  
Link: EEK! He's scaring me Navi. (begins to cry).  
  
Navi: You need to fight him you idiot. Hit him with your boomerang.  
  
Link: (does so and Octo lies down stunned).  
  
Navi: Great! Now hit his little green ass with your sword.  
  
Link: (does so)  
  
Octo: ROOOOOWR! (gets back up and heads away from Link).  
  
Link: HAH! He's afraid of me!  
  
Navi: Um Link. This is a round room.  
  
Link: So?  
  
Navi: Look behind you.  
  
Link: (turns around).  
  
Octo: Boo.  
  
Link: Ahhhhhhhhhh!! (hits octo with the boomerang again and slashes his butt).  
  
Navi: You're doing great Link!  
  
Link: (hits octo again and slashes at him).  
  
Octo: OWIE I won't be able to sit for a week now. (sniffles and runs away crying). I'm telling baricade on you!  
  
Navi: I thought he was supposed to die.  
  
Link: (shrugs) I still beat him.  
  
Navi: Well. Lets get on the platform.  
  
Link: (jumps onto the platform and the platform raises to a different floor).  
  
Link: Hmmm. Where's Ruto?  
  
Navi: Maybe the octopus thing ate her.  
  
Link: We can only hope.  
  
Navi: LINK! What a horrible thing to say!  
  
Link: (hangs his head down in shame).  
  
Navi: You know that we need to find the sapphire.  
  
Link: (sniffles).  
  
Navi: Why couldn't the damn thing eat her AFTER we go the spiritual stone?  
  
Link: (stares) I thought you were mad at me for insulting Ruto.  
  
Navi: No. Of course not. I could care less about her.  
  
Link: Well. We'll still the stone back.  
  
Navi: Egh. I don't even want to think about it.  
  
(By this time they had reached the door in front of the boss' room).  
  
Navi: Here we are. At the boss' room.  
  
Link: (laughs nervously).  
  
Navi: Lets go in.  
  
Link: (lets out a sigh) Alright.  
  
Navi: What's wrong?  
  
Link: I'm nervous.  
  
Navi: Link. You fought a giant spider and a fire breathing dinosaur.  
  
Link: But. What if I'm fighting a giant Ruto? What if she is the boss here?  
  
Navi: I doubt it. Lets try not to think about it. Now in you go.  
  
(They both walk into the boss' room and finds a huge jellyfish thing with several smaller jellyfish attached to its skin).  
  
Link: Erm?  
  
Navi: I think you have to hit its stems.  
  
Link: What stems?  
  
Navi: The ones at the very top of it. Better hit it with your boomerang quickly before it. . . .  
  
Barinade: Bzzzt! (Electrocutes Link).  
  
Link: Ugh. (begins to sway).  
  
Navi: Stay strong Link and hit the bastard with your boomerang!!  
  
Link: (does so). Great. One down two to go and we should be done with this overgrown jellyfish.  
  
Navi: Great. Just hurry.  
  
Link: (Hits the other one). Look Navi! I did it again!  
  
Navi: Amazing.  
  
Link: (hits the last stem) That should do it. (begins to walk away).  
  
Navi: LINK! HE'S STILL ALIVE! RUN!  
  
Link: (turns around) Eep!  
  
Barinade: (begins spinning in circles like a lunatic and shooting electricity at Link).  
  
Link: (hits him in a soft spot with the boomerang).  
  
Navi: Good job Link! Now destroy all of the jellyfish that just came off of him.  
  
Link: (does so).  
  
Barinade: (Begins spinning around again).  
  
Link: (hits baricade and begins to hack at him with his sword) DIE!!!!  
  
Baricade: (dies)  
  
Link: YAY! I beat another baddie! (begins to dance around).  
  
Navi: There's the portal. Looks like princess Ruto made it out alive.  
  
Ruto: How could you leave me?  
  
Link: Easily.  
  
Ruto: Well. I admit that it looked pretty cool what you did out there. (smiles)  
  
Link: Ugh. Lets just get out of here.  
  
(They vanish in a blue light). 


	11. Sleepy Time!

Chapter 11: Sleepy time!  
  
[Link and Navi find themselves back at Zora's Fountain where Jabu Jabu is located].  
  
Link: Hopefully Ruto will give us the third stone.  
  
Ruto: (pops up out of nowhere) Hi Link!  
  
Link: Ahhhh! (falls off the rock he is standing on and into the water).  
  
Ruto: You were so cool back there! (gets close to Link). Can I reward you in anyway?  
  
Link: Hmmm. I can use a cookie.  
  
Navi: (smacks Link on the head) The spiritual stone! Remember?  
  
Link: Oh. Yea. I want the spiritual stone.  
  
Ruto: Oh. Of course. My mother told me to only give it to the man I will marry someday. It's like an engagement ring.  
  
Link: Navi?  
  
Navi: Just take the damn thing.  
  
Link: Okay.  
  
Ruto: (hands link the stone) Oh boy. I have a fiance' now!  
  
Link: (gulps) We'd better get going.  
  
(Link rushes out of Zora's domain like a bat out of hell. A minute later him and Navi are both in Hyrule field).  
  
Navi: I never seen you run so fast Link!  
  
Link: (leans against a tree). I can't believe this.  
  
Navi: I can't either. You made a new record! You should join the Hylian track team.  
  
Link: I'm engaged to a FISH!  
  
Navi: There are things much worse then that!  
  
Link: Hopefully this will be the end to our little adventure.  
  
Navi: Lets go see Zelda now.  
  
Link: Okay. We are almost there.  
  
Navi: Hmm. Why is the weather suddenly stormy?  
  
Link: I don't know. It was sunny a minute ago.  
  
Navi: Hey. I see Zelda riding out of the castle! With Impa!  
  
Link: Where? OOF! (Gets ran over by the horse).  
  
Zelda: Dammit! Why couldn't he come sooner? Link! Think fast! (throws an object towards Link).  
  
Link: (gets hit in the head) Ouch! (the object falls into the moat).  
  
Navi: (gulps) Link. Turn around.  
  
Link: (turns around) Hey! It's that evil guy with the green face!  
  
Ganondorf: Drat! I lost them.  
  
Link: (begins to whistle and walk away).  
  
Ganondorf: (sees Link).  
  
Link: Uh oh.  
  
Ganondorf: (sweetly) Hello little boy.  
  
Link: Hello Mr. Evil guy.  
  
Ganondorf: Perhaps you can do me a favor.  
  
Link: What?  
  
Ganondorf: You can tell me what direction the white horse carrying Zelda went.  
  
Link: (stares blankly).  
  
Ganondorf: I'll give you some candy if you tell me.  
  
Link: Ooh. Candy.  
  
Navi: Link. You can't do that! You are supposed to be preventing her from getting captured.  
  
Link: Awww.  
  
Ganondorf: Shutup you little mosquito!  
  
Navi: I'm a fairy pea face.  
  
Link: I can't tell you where Zelda went. I'm supposed to be the hero of this story. So I'm not allowed to be a traitor.  
  
Ganondorf: Hmph. I am not happy about this.  
  
Link: I wouldn't be either.  
  
Ganondorf: You say you're the hero?  
  
Link: (proudly) Of course!  
  
Ganondorf: You and that wooden sword of yours don't look very threatening.  
  
Link: Wooden sword? (draws his sword) It doesn't look wooden to me.  
  
Ganondorf: Grrr. You dare threaten me with your puny sword?  
  
Link: I was just showing it to you.  
  
Ganondorf: (rolls eyes) I'm sure you were. I am impressed by your bravery but I will not tolerate it. (charges up an energy ball in his hand).  
  
Link: Uh oh. This is going to hurt.  
  
Ganondorf: (throws the energy ball at Link).  
  
Link: OUCH! (curls up into a tight ball on the ground).  
  
Ganondorf: That will teach you. (rides away)  
  
Link: (slowly gets up). That didn't feel too good.  
  
Navi: I don't doubt it.  
  
Link: (sighs) What did Zelda throw into the moat?  
  
Navi: You were supposed to catch it.  
  
Link: How could I? It hit my head!  
  
Navi: She DID tell you to think fast. You should've been much quicker.  
  
Link: Whatever. I'm going to see what it is. (dives into the moat).  
  
Navi: (waits).  
  
(A few minutes later, Link is still in the moat).  
  
Navi: Oh sweet Nayru. What is taking him so long?  
  
Link: (bubbles begin to come up to the surface).  
  
Navi: (pales). I hope he isn't drowning.  
  
Link: (comes up gasping for air) I . . . Got. . . it!  
  
Navi: What is it?  
  
Link: (climbs out of the moat) Just a stupid ocarina.  
  
(Suddenly Link felt himself swoon and everything turned to blackness. Then he heard the sound of Zelda's voice).  
  
Zelda: Link? Can you hear me? This is Zelda. A terrible thing has happened. Ganondorf has taken over the castle. Impa and I had to flee to prevent ourselves from getting captured. He is after the ocarina of time. I couldn't wait for you because you were taking forever. Keep this ocarina and use it to open the door of time. (teaches Link the Song of Time). Use this door to open the door of time. I wish you luck even though you are an idiot.  
  
(Everything goes white and Link finds himself back in Hyrule field in front of the castle).  
  
Navi: LINK?! Are you okay?  
  
Link: Huh? (Shakes head) Whoa. That was weird.  
  
Navi: What happened?  
  
Link: (explains everything).  
  
Navi: Hmmm. I guess we'd better get to the Temple of Time.  
  
Link: I wonder why we have to go there. Zelda did not state what we have to do there.  
  
Navi: Lets hope we don't have to face Ganondorf so soon. I don't think you are ready yet.  
  
Link: (looks darkly at Navi) Why not?  
  
Navi: He just kicked your ass a minute ago!  
  
Link: True. Maybe there is something inside the Door of Time to help us out.  
  
Navi: Hey wait a second! I have an idea!  
  
Link: What is it?  
  
Navi: Well. I have a fairy friend that lives by Hyrule castle. She used to defend me from the fairy that we met earlier.  
  
Link: And?  
  
Navi: She can probably help us out. Lets go pay her a visit.  
  
(They both walk off towards Hyrule castle and a few minutes later, they are standing inside a fountain).  
  
Navi: Here we are. Play Zelda's Lullaby to summon her.  
  
Link: (plays Zelda's Lullaby). Well? Where is she?  
  
Navi: I don't know.  
  
A voice: Hold on! Why must you people always come while I'm in the shower.  
  
Navi: Sounds like her alright.  
  
Great Fairy: (comes up from the fountain and stares at Navi) Navi? Is that you?  
  
Navi: Margaret!!  
  
Margaret: Oh Navi! It's so nice to see you again! (hugs Navi)  
  
Navi: You too! I had to pay that wench a visit earlier.  
  
Margaret: Oh! You poor thing!  
  
Navi: (sighs) She's still a bitch.  
  
Margaret: Once a bitch always a bitch.  
  
Navi: Yes. Margaret? Can you help us out? I'm on a journey with this little boy here.  
  
Margaret: The one standing behind you wearing that green skirt?  
  
Navi: That's the one.  
  
Link: HEY!  
  
Navi: We may need something to help beat a gerudo who practices dark magic.  
  
Margaret: I can give you just the thing! (holds her hands out and a orange sphere appears over her).  
  
Link: What is it?  
  
Margaret: It's Din's Fire. You can surround yourself with fire and kill off your enemies that surround you.  
  
Link: NEAT!  
  
Navi: That will work!  
  
Margaret: Good. I better get going now. I have to finish my shower. I have a date with that hot fairy from High school.  
  
Navi: (giggles) You mean that guy that the great fairy always wanted.  
  
Margaret: That's the one! Bye now. Nice seeing you!  
  
Navi: You too!  
  
(Margaret disappears and Link and Navi walk out of the cave and head for the Temple of Time).  
  
Navi: Well. I hope Din's Fire will help you out Link.  
  
Link: (staring at it with glazed eyes). Shiny. . .  
  
Navi: Errr. Yea.  
  
(By this time the two of them are standing in front of the temple. They enter it and walk up a few stairs and find themselves standing in front of a scripture with three holes in front of it).  
  
Navi: What does it say?  
  
Link: Something about getting the three spiritual stones and playing the song of time.  
  
Navi: Play the song of time and see what happens.  
  
(Link plays the song of time. The three spiritual stones in his pocket float out and align themselves in front of the scripture. An echo of the Song of Time is heard and the wall in front of them opens).  
  
Link and Navi: ooh.  
  
Navi: (stares into the newly opened room) Link? Is that? . . the master sword? (Flies over to a sword that is stuck in a pedestal).  
  
Link: I don't know Navi. Is it?  
  
Navi: Wow. I heard that only the Hero of Time can pull it out of the pedestal and . . . LINK!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!  
  
Link: (standing in front of Navi with the master sword in his hand). I think I broke it!  
  
Navi: It can't be! Link? The Hero of Time? Impossible!  
  
(Everything becomes white around them and they hear a voice near them. Mocking them).  
  
Ganondorf: Well well well now. What do we have here? The boy opened the door to the sacred realm for me. I knew you were up to something. I thank you! I can now obtain the triforce! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! (cough cough) BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
(Everything goes dark). 


	12. The Hero of Time

Chapter 12: The Hero of Time  
  
Voice: Link? Hero of Time. Wake up!  
  
Link: (snores loudly).  
  
Voice: Aww dammit. Why did they assign me this job? WAKE UP YOU LAZY BASTARD!!! (kicks Link)  
  
Link: (snorts) Eh?  
  
Voice: That's better. Are you completely awake?  
  
Link: (yawns) Yea...  
  
Voice: Good. Link...I am Rauru...the Sage of Light!  
  
Link: Pleased to meet you. Where am I?  
  
(Link is in a large round lit up place with shinny silver walls. He is standing on a painting of a triforce).  
  
Rauru: You are in the sacred realm.  
  
Link: Oh....  
  
Rauru: The sacred realm is where the triforce is held. The entryway into the secret realm is through the Temple of Time.  
  
Link: ooooooooooh.  
  
Rauru: When removed the master sword from the pedestal, your spirit was sealed here.  
  
Link: Why?  
  
Rauru: Only one person can remove the sword from its pedestal and that is the Hero of Time. Which is you... But...the reason why your spirit was sealed was because you were too young to be hero of time.  
  
Link: Speaking of hero of time. Why is my voice deeper?  
  
Rauru: Errr...I'm getting to that. You have been asleep for seven years. (holds up a mirror for Link to look into).  
  
Link: WOOOOOOW! I'M A GROWN UP!  
  
Rauru: Actually...you are only 17 years old.  
  
Link: I don't care. I'M STILL AN ADULT! (dances around like an idiot).  
  
Navi: ...this is embarrassing.  
  
Rauru: I feel your pity.  
  
Navi: Who said anything about pity?  
  
Rauru: Anyways...  
  
Link: (still dancing around) Now I can do things I have always wanted to do!!  
  
Rauru: ...  
  
Link: (stops dancing) Wait a minute...I missed puberty!!!  
  
Rauru: Oh yes. How tragic. But AS I WAS SAYING...when you opened the door to the sacred realm...Ganondorf got through.  
  
Navi: That can't be good.  
  
Rauru: He took off with the triforce.... But that is not the worst of it!  
  
Navi: What can be worse then Ganondorf getting the triforce?!  
  
Rauru: He called me some nasty names PLUS he wrecked a party I was having. And he took off with my two gerudo sweethearts.  
  
Navi: I can see why they ran off with him.  
  
Rauru: (glares at Navi)  
  
Link: I think I know where this is going. You want me to go after Ganondorf and stop him from taking over the world and get the triforce back.  
  
Rauru: Well... actually...in this story you can't obtain the triforce at all.  
  
Link: Then why should I stop him if I can't get the triforce away from him?  
  
Rauru: After you rescue the sages from the temples, we will lock him up so he can't cause any more damage.  
  
Link: Sages?  
  
Rauru: Yea. There are five sages out there who need to be saved. After you awaken them, they will be able to seal Ganondorf up.  
  
Link: Where do I go first?  
  
Rauru: Your question will be answered after you get out of here. Now, take this medallion. It'll add some of my power to you. (tosses a medallion at Link)  
  
Link: Oooohhh...shiny.  
  
Rauru: Now...get the hell out of here!!! (pushes a button).  
  
Link: (falls through the trap door he was standing on) AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Navi: I guess I'd better follow him.  
  
Link: (lands on his bottom). Ouch.  
  
Navi: That was a nice long fall wasn't it?  
  
Link: Yea. But luckily this pillow I'm sitting on broke my fall.  
  
Navi: Pillow?  
  
Voice: (coming from under Link) You sitting on my face.  
  
Link: I didn't know pillows can talk!  
  
Voice: They can't you idiot! Now let me up! (Link stands up).  
  
(The source of the voice turns out to be a young man around Link's age. He is dressed like a sheikah. He is wearing a hood over his head and most of his face is hidden except for his eyes).  
  
Link: (draws his sword) Who are you?  
  
Shiek: I am Sheik (does finger quotes)...a sheikah.  
  
Link: Why are you doing finger quotes around your name? (is starting to get suspicious)  
  
Shiek: Erm...you'll find out at the end of this story.  
  
Link: Awww...  
  
Navi: So Shiek (finger quotes)...who are you and why are you here?  
  
Shiek: I'm supposed to help you out on this forsaken journey.  
  
Link: In what way?  
  
Shiek: By offering you advice. On your quest you will be fighting 5 different bosses in 5 different temples.  
  
Link: Where are the temples located?  
  
Shiek: The forest, Death Mountain, Lake Hylia, the house of the dead, and the Desert.  
  
Link: House of the dead? That sounds scary.  
  
Shiek: Heh...anyways, the first temple that you need to go to is the forest temple. You have to awaken the forest sage there. I believe it is a girl you already know.  
  
Link: Saria...  
  
Shiek: Well...  
  
Link: Zelda...  
  
Navi: Link?  
  
Link: Malon.  
  
Navi: LINK!  
  
Link: What?!  
  
Navi: Let the nice man talk!  
  
Link: Oh...sorry.  
  
Shiek: The first thing you have to do before going to the temple is to obtain a certain weapon from Kakariko Village.  
  
Link: What's wrong with the weapons I have?  
  
Shiek: You can't even get into the temple without this certain item.  
  
Link: What is it?  
  
Shiek: I can't tell you. I'm supposed to make your life hard.  
  
Link: Gah!!! Can't you even give me a hint?  
  
Shiek: Sure. Look in the grave keeper's diary in the graveyard.  
  
Link: What kind of clue is that?!  
  
Shiek: A very good one. NOW GO!  
  
(Link and Navi both leave the temple of time and find themselves in the Hyrule Market Place. It does not look anything like it did seven years before. There are no people around and the weather is extremely stormy).  
  
Navi:...What did Ganondorf do to this place?  
  
Link: Obviously turn it into a scary fortress.  
  
Navi: It's horrible. There are redeads everywhere!  
  
Link: What are redeads?  
  
Navi: They are these zombie like creatures that suck your brains out of your head.  
  
Link: (holds onto his head) THEY WON'T GET MY BRAIN!  
  
Navi: You have no need to worry. In order for them to suck out your brains...you need a brain.  
  
Link: Whew...thanks Navi. Wait a minute...(glares at Navi).  
  
Navi: Lets run through!  
  
(Navi's advice came too late. Link was already running fast as he can go through the market place).  
  
Link: (being chased by a bunch of redeads) AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! They're trying to suck my brains out!!!!  
  
Navi: Well DUH. They have to eat SOMETHING don't they?  
  
(A few minutes later, Link and Navi are both standing in Hyrule field).  
  
Navi: Look at Death Mountain. It has a weird red ring around the top of it.  
  
Link: Um...it's a volcano Navi.  
  
Navi: I know that! But it didn't look like that before we went into a long enchanted sleep.  
  
Link: What are you trying to say Navi?  
  
Navi: Maybe that's where we have to go next.  
  
Link: You're going to make me risk my life inside a volcano?! What kind of guardian fairy are you?  
  
Navi: A horrible one. That's why I got assigned to you.  
  
Link: I see...Well...lets get this suicide mission over with.  
  
(The two of them arrive at the Kakariko graveyard and walk up to the grave keeper's shack).  
  
Navi: Well...let's go inside.  
  
Link: Navi! Where are your manners? We should knock before we go in! (knocks on the door).  
  
Navi: Nobody is answering. Lets go inside.  
  
Link: He must not be home. (sits down).  
  
Navi: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  
  
Link: I'm going to wait for the grave keeper to come home...even if it takes all night.  
  
(The next morning...)  
  
Navi: I don't think he is going to come home anytime soon.  
  
Link: (eyes are red from the lack of sleep). I told you that we should've gone inside.  
  
Navi: (eyes nearly pop out of her head). WHAT?!?!?!?!  
  
Link: But you never listen to me. No matter how good my advice is.  
  
Navi: I was the one who said we should go inside! YOU were the one who wanted to wait for him to get home.  
  
Link: Tsk tsk...lying now are we Navi? (begins to write in his notebook).  
  
Navi: You still have that damn thing?  
  
Link: Of course I do. I plan on using many things against you in the future.  
  
Navi: You'd think after seven years the pages would be starting to tear.  
  
Link: They ARE starting to fall apart. I had to tape them back together.  
  
Navi: Where did you get the tape?  
  
Link: Sheik (finger quotes)  
  
Navi: Lets just get inside.  
  
Link: Oh, NOW you want to go inside.  
  
Navi: Just get your ass in there. (pushes Link).  
  
Link: (enters the shack) Wow...it's really dusty in here.  
  
Navi: Looks like this place has been abandoned for a long time.  
  
Link: What are we looking for again?  
  
Navi: A diary.  
  
Link: I think I see it on the desk in the corner of the room. (picks the book up and opens it).  
  
Navi: What does it say?  
  
Link: "I found a cool springy thing today. It's really cool. If anyone wants it, you have to come and visit the inside of my grave...Dampe'"  
  
Navi: That must be the clue Sheik (finger quotes) was telling us about.  
  
Link:...  
  
Navi: Lets get going...  
  
Link: ...  
  
Navi: Link? Are you okay?  
  
(Link is standing in the middle of the room. He is standing as still as a statue and his hair is standing on end).  
  
Navi: Are you okay? (waves her hand in front of his face).  
  
Link: G-g-grave?  
  
Navi: Uh yea...we have to go a grave.  
  
Link: Underground...?  
  
Navi: I guess...  
  
Link: Lets hope it's not an underground grave.  
  
Navi: I did see a tomb at the top of the hill. Perhaps it is there where Dampe' is buried...  
  
Link: If it is...I hope his body was thrown into a cave so we won't have to go underground.  
  
Navi: Oh waaa. You're supposed to be the hero of time.  
  
Link: I don't care. Even heroes have their limits.  
  
(Navi finally persuades Link to go to the tomb sitting on top of the hill in the cemetery).  
  
Link: (speaking very quickly) WellThereIsNotAnythingHereSoLetsGo.... (Begins to run off)  
  
Navi: Hold it. There is a triforce symbol on the ground in front of the tombstone.  
  
Link: And?  
  
Navi: Perhaps you should play Zelda's Lullaby.  
  
(Link plays Zelda's Lullaby and lightning begins to strike across the sky. A lightning bolt strikes and destroys the tombstone in front of Link. A hole is in its place).  
  
Navi: HAH. That was a pretty brilliant deduction. Don't ya think Linky boy?  
  
Link: (knees are shaking).  
  
Navi: (thinking) It's going to be hard to get him down that hole. (outloud) Hey Link. I'm going to go down and investigate. Wait here. (goes down the hole).  
  
Link: Hopefully nothing will be down there.  
  
Navi: Hey Link! There's a bunch of playboy girls down here in bikinis!!!  
  
Link: Playboy girls...In bikinis? YAAAAAHOOOOOOOOO!! (jumps down the hole).  
  
Navi: Great! That got you down here.  
  
Link: HEY! Where are the girls at. All I see is a damp cave with a bunch of keese down here.  
  
Navi: Oopsie...my mistake.  
  
Link: Grrr....  
  
Navi: Destroy the keese, so we can get that door opened.  
  
Link: Door? Isn't this supposed to be a grave?  
  
Navi: Don't question it Link.  
  
Link: (kills the keese and the door opens) I wonder what is beyond the door.  
  
Navi: The only way to find out is to go through it.  
  
Link: (stares at Navi and draws his sword and raises it over his head) I must go through the door! It is a part of the mission I was sent on to conquer Ganondorf!! (rushes through the door).  
  
Navi: Maybe there is hope for him after all.  
  
Link: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!  
  
Navi: (flies through the door) Oh goddesses...  
  
(Link is surrounded by redeads...frozen. The redeads froze him so they can pounce on him and suck his brains out).  
  
Navi: (flutters over to Link) Link? Snap out of it!!! Wake up!!  
  
Link: (eyes glazed over) Ugggh...  
  
Navi: Come on Link. It would be really pathetic if you ended up getting killed by a redead especially since you fought much worse then this.  
  
Link: Ugh? (snaps out of it).  
  
Navi: Oh good. You've come back. Now lets get the hell out of here!  
  
Link: (jumps through the redeads and runs into the next room).  
  
Navi: I still say that boy should try out for the Hylian track team.  
  
Link: (pants) We're at a dead-end and I really don't want to go back.  
  
Navi: There is something written on the wall in front of you.  
  
Link: (reads it)  
  
Navi: What does it say?  
  
Link: It says something about a song called "The Sun Song" written by the composer brothers.  
  
Navi: Who are they?  
  
Link: Not a clue. Anyways...it says this song can bring up the sun and freeze the dead.  
  
Navi: It must mean the redeads. Does it tell you how to play the song?  
  
Link: There are some notes to the song on it.  
  
Navi: Try it out...  
  
Link: (writes down the song)  
  
Navi: Play it.  
  
(Link plays the Sun Song and the sun rises).  
  
Navi: Hmm...I wonder if it worked.  
  
Link: We'll find out when we get outside. Lets get out of here. (begins to exit the room).  
  
Navi: I guess Link forgot about the redeads.  
  
Link: AAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGHH!!  
  
Navi: Play the Sun Song!! It will freeze the redeads.  
  
(Link whips out his ocarina and plays the sun song...which freezes the redeads).  
  
Link: (runs quickly out of the cave and into the portal)  
  
Navi: Whew...we made it. It was getting hot and stuffy in there.  
  
Link: (begins to head for the cemetery exit) I never saw a springy thingy in there did you Navi?  
  
Navi: (stops in front of a tombstone) Um...Link? (points to it)  
  
Here lies Dampe' the old GraveKeeper.  
95-200 BC  
RIP  
  
Link: (eyes twitches) Are you telling me...that we went through hell in that cave...to only find out that it wasn't the cave that WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN?!?!?!  
  
Navi: (nervously) Heheheheheh......  
  
Link: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! 


	13. Dampe's Grave

Chapter 13: Racing Dampe'  
  
(We find Navi and Link in the Kakariko Graveyard in front of Dampe's grave. Trying to move the tombstone).  
  
Link: I don't feel that we are doing something good.  
  
Navi: Why not? We're just following simple instructions.  
  
Link: I feel like we are grave vandals.  
  
Navi: We're not vandals if we are not breaking or damaging anything.  
  
Link: True...(the tombstone drops and cracks) Oops...  
  
Navi: Okay. NOW we're vandals.  
  
Link: Maybe nobody will notice.  
  
Navi: Link...the tombstone broke IN HALF. Of course some body is going to notice.  
  
Link: (walks away whistling)  
  
Navi: GET BACK HERE! We need do what we came here for.  
  
Link: Well...we would've been done by now if you have led me to the right grave.  
  
Navi: Oh come on Link. All you have to do is read the tombstones. You can read can't you?  
  
Link: Well yea. The problem with reading here in Hyrule is that everything is written in a weird language.  
  
Navi: It's the Hylian language Link. You should be able to read it. You ARE Hylian...I mean...oops.  
  
Link: What did you say?  
  
Navi: Err...uh...nothing. Just ignore what I just said.  
  
Link: (getting suspicious) Alright...  
  
Navi: Lets go down that hole that we just uncovered.  
  
Link: You want us to go into a grave?  
  
Navi: Link you were just in a tomb a few minutes ago.  
  
Link: I almost had the brains sucked out of me!  
  
Navi: Link. Don't make me do the playboy girl approach again.  
  
Link: Okay fine. I'll go down there. Lets get this over with. (jumps down into the hole).  
  
Navi: Good boy. (follows him down the hole).  
  
Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!  
  
Navi: what's wrong Link???  
  
Link: There's a ghost in front of me!!!  
  
Ghost: Hello young man.  
  
Link: (stares in disbelief)  
  
Ghost: I always wanted to test out how fast I can go compared to the living.  
  
Link: Interesting...Well I better get going now. (begins to run off).  
  
Navi: Wait a minute Link. We need to stay here to get the tool that Sheik told us to get.  
  
Ghost: Can you keep up with me in a race young man?  
  
Link: You're just an old ghost. Of course I can.  
  
Ghost: If you can keep up with me I'll give you something special.  
  
Link: Like what?  
  
Ghost: My springing thingy.  
  
Link: Alright. It shouldn't be hard.  
  
Ghost: Alright. (flies quickly off).  
  
Link: Wow. He is pretty fast. (chases after him).  
  
Navi: Come on Link! You can do it! You're a good runner.  
  
Link: (huffs and puffs loudly).  
  
Navi: Who's in horrible shape...  
  
Link: (begins to run faster)  
  
Ghost: (throws fire at Link)  
  
Link: (gets burned)  
  
Ghost: Heehee...  
  
Link: That hurt you old bastard!  
  
Ghost: I'm not the one running like an old man!  
  
Link: Grrr...(speeds up and rolls under a closing door).  
  
Ghost: Almost there. (Throws another fireball at link).  
  
Link: HAH! You missed.  
  
Navi: Um Link...  
  
Link: Shutup Navi. I'm going to teach this old coot a lesson.  
  
Navi: Link...  
  
Link: Mmmmm. I smell something delicious cooking. Smells like...  
  
Navi: Hero?  
  
Link: MY ASS IS ON FIRE! (rolls under another door and puts the fire out).  
  
Ghost: (stops in front of a treasure chest). Well. I'm shocked that you managed to keep up without killing yourself.  
  
Link: (walks up to the ghost. There is a hole in his pants from the fire revealing teddy bear underwear). You are a cheater.  
  
Ghost: I have some power. I may as well use it. Anyways...I guess I can give you my springy thing.  
  
Link: Yay! Who are you anyways?  
  
Ghost: I'm Dampe'. I used to be the grave keeper.  
  
Link: Oh. (opens the chest and receives his hook shot). Ooh...  
  
Dampe': You got your springy thing NOW SCRAM!  
  
Link: (rushes out a nearby door)  
  
Navi: Well. You finally got the tool you needed to get into the first temple.  
  
Link: Isn't it cool?  
  
(Link and Navi continue walking until they find out that the grave leads to the Kakariko Windmill).  
  
Link: Interesting how this grave leads to a windmill.  
  
Navi: Ugh. Can you imagine the stench through here?  
  
Link: Yuck. Hey look there's some guy in here playing some instrument.  
  
Navi: He looks angry about something.  
  
Windmill Guy: I swear if that kid ever comes back, I'm going to cut his eyes out of his head...  
  
Navi: Keep walking Link. I don't think we should bother him.  
  
Link: (walks quickly out the door) This town has some psychos here.  
  
Navi: What are you talking about? He's the first guy we saw here.  
  
Link: Not exactly...we just recently met a dead grave keeper. He was pretty weird too.  
  
Navi: Hey...do you still remember Saria's Song?  
  
Link: Of course I do! I have a great...um......  
  
Navi: Memory?  
  
Link: Yea.  
  
Navi: Why don't you call Saria and see how she is?  
  
Link: I wonder if she ever recorded that show for me...(plays Saria's song)  
  
Saria: Link? Is that you? I can't believe it! Where the hell have you been in the last seven years.  
  
Link: Um...  
  
Saria: Listen Link. I need your help. I went into the forest temple because the spirits were crying out. I really need your help. Horrible things are happening here.  
  
Link: Oh no. Saria's in trouble! (races off towards Kokiri forest).  
  
(When Link reaches the forest, he continues running towards the lost woods and eventually runs into Mido).  
  
Mido: (gets ran into) Watch where you are going mister!  
  
Link: (grumbles) Little bastard. (out loud) I need to get by. Move out of my way!  
  
Mido: I'm sorry. I cannot allow that. Saria told me not to let anyone by.  
  
Link: Saria? I need to help her!  
  
Mido: Prove to me that you know her.  
  
Link: (plays Saria's song)  
  
Mido: Saria is always playing that song. She only taught it to her friends. She played it so much we eventually forced her to play it somewhere else.  
  
Link: Will you let me pass?  
  
Mido: (sighs) Yes. You know...when I look at you. You remind me of someone...  
  
Link: Who?  
  
Mido: Some little dweeb I used to know.  
  
Link: (kicks Mido and runs off).  
  
(Link eventually makes it to the sacred meadow and through the maze and to the temple).  
  
Link: Whew. That was a huge goblin back there.  
  
Navi: The one with the club?  
  
Link: Yea. The one that hit me 300 times.  
  
Sheik: Ah...finally you have arrived. It took you long enough.  
  
Link: Whoa! How did you get here so fast?  
  
Sheik: Magic. Anyways...I have a warping song I want to teach you.  
  
Link: Warping?  
  
Sheik: Yea. You'll warp back here if you play it.  
  
Link: Why didn't you teach it to me earlier?! I could've used it then and not get lost for 5 hours in that damn maze.  
  
Sheik: um....because?  
  
Link: (sighs) Just teach me the song.  
  
(Sheik teaches Link the Minuet of the Forest).  
  
Sheik: Great! You learned the first Warp song. Now get your ass into the temple and free the forest sage. (throws down a stone and vanishes).  
  
Link: Okay Navi...lets go... 


End file.
